(A stormy sky on a hill of yellow, dead grass. A fat man in a black trenchcoat and fedora carrying a black briefcase walks over it, pausing to stare at an unsuspecting town beneath. We zoom in on the briefcase and see that it is marked with the golden letters "K" and "P.")
(The briefcase latch snaps open and a hail of documents fly out over the city on the wind, and things begin to take on a sinister change. Sewer grates pop open and men in Batman cowls emerge chanting "ualuealuealeuale." Mailboxes grow fangs and arms and chase dogs. "Keep Left" signs start crashing against people's knees.)
(All of this, though, goes unnoticed by a one Utena Tenjou, who has emerged from the corner store with a grocery bag, looking over a list in her free hand)
UTENA: Candy corn, chocolate coffins, blood sausage... Well, I think that's everything we need for the Halloween party. Now I just need to–
(Suddenly, a box-like red robot drops down on the old lady next to her, and a wire claw shoots out and grabs her around the ankle)
UTENA: What the?! Hey! Put me down! I paid that loitering ticket!
(Not listening, the thing drags her up into the air. They fly off through a hail of weird landscapes and scenery as guitar music starts to play...)
Ohhh, life on the outside ain't what it used to be~
Yeah the world's gone crazy and it ain't safe on the street~
We're losin' track an' I know~
There's only one place to go~
(Clouds form into a giant pair of pants, which undoes its fly to reveal Ohtori Academy)
I'm comin' home~
Oh yeah~
I'm comin' home~
(The robot lobs her into the Chairman's tower room, shattering glass everywhere, then descends and turns back into Akio's trademark car)
UTENA: (Gets up and spits out a glass slipper) I shoulda figured that would happen this year.
(Akio is sitting on his desk, dressed in a purple suit with a matching purple top hat and cane, and also a clashing set of big yellow glasses.)
AKIO: Welcome to Ohtori Academy! I'm the chairman, and you're a student!
UTENA: You're really getting too into your costume this year.
AKIO: I do love to become the character I'm pretending to be.
UTENA: Yeah, I know. Boy, oh boy, do I know.
AKIO: (Raps his cane on the desk) Bring up the dreary titles, maestro!
(Lightning flashes, rain pours, and we zoom through a graveyard as blood-red letters announce...)
IT'S A B-MOVIE SHOW
The 2009 "Revolutionary Girl Utena" Halloween Special
Written by ker-plop
(The scene switches back to the chairman's room, and Utena looks confused)
UTENA: Wait, aren't we supposed to fast-forward to Halloween night?
AKIO: I suppose it's waiting for us to reveal more of the plot. (Hits a buzzer on his desk) Student Council, assemble, please.
(The door opens and in come Miki, Juri, Nanami, Touga and Saionji)
UTENA: Wow! You guys got up here fast.
SAIONJI: Not like we had anything better to do.
TOUGA: Yes, I spend many of my days standing just outside the chairman's office waiting for the buzzer.
MIKI: You need a hobby.
TOUGA: And why are YOU up here so quickly, then?
JURI: It's called a plot device, pal. We've all gotta be in on this.
AKIO: Now then, my dears... as you know, we can't hold the party here this year because of that old building, Nemuro Hall; someone's said they've seen something frightful lurking around it.
NANAMI: Have you been taking your lunch breaks outside again?
AKIO: ...I'll pretend I didn't hear that. I've employed a team of skilled ghost hunters to investigate it, and indeed the rest of the campus, and so to give them the utmost privacy to do their work, we're going to take up a generous offer from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, and have our party there.
UTENA: Hey, that IS pretty neat! But, uh, who'd you get? Ghost Hunters International or the regular guys?
TOUGA: Tell me you didn't get the Othersiders. They're posers.
AKIO: Oh, none of them. I prefer to hire cartoon workers.
SAIONJI: (Fake coughs) AH-HUH-racist-HUH-HUH!
MIKI: Wait, I don't know of any cartoon ghost hunters... except...
JURI: Woah! Don't tell me you got the Ghostbusters?!
AKIO: Nope. A team who's been at it far longer.
(Just then, a big, blue van comes smashing through the wall, blowing debris every which way. Big orange letters on the side declare loudly "THE MYSTERY MACHINE")
UTENA/MIKI/JURI/SAIONJI/TOUGA/NANAMI: Oh, HELL NO.
AKIO: (Frowns) You know, when you're on the receiving end, that's actually rather irritating.
(The doors open and out step four familiar figures: a tall blonde man with an orange ascot around his neck; a brown-haired woman with a purple dress and green scarf; a scraggly thin man with droopy brown pants; and a brown great dane)
FRED: Hi there! Fred Jones is the name. Which one of you is... (looks at a notepad in his hand) "Ack-eye-oh Otter-e?"
JURI: This is going to be a long night.
AKIO: Erm, yes, that would be me, Akio Ohtori. (Looks them over and raises an eyebrow) This is your whole team? I thought you said you had five workers.
FRED: Oh, we do. One of them had to make a pit stop, though...
(Down on one of the lower floors, a shorter woman with short brown hair, a big orange sweater and glasses is just coming out of the ladies' room)
VELMA: Oogh... That's the last time I let Shaggy talk me into chili tacos with triple-cheese jalapeńo salsa... All I'm going to be investigating tonight are the school johns!
(She staggers around a corner and crashes into the happy-go-lucky Anthy Himemiya, and both of their glasses go flying off their faces)
ANTHY: Oh, no! I found Red October!
VELMA: (Drops down and starts feeling around) Oh, no! I can't see a thing without my glasses!
ANTHY: (Drops down and starts feeling around, too) Me neither!... maybe.
VELMA: "Maybe?"
ANTHY: Ooh, here we are! (Finds a pair of glasses and gives them to Velma)
VELMA: (Slaps on the glasses) Whew... Thanks. Where's the chairman's tower?
ANTHY: (Putting on the other glasses) Just walk 15 meters north, make a left turn, walk another 20 meters into the elevator, and then push the button for the highest floor. You'll be there in about 45 seconds, if the elevator's working properly.
VELMA: (Blinks) Uh... Thanks. (Starts off)
ANTHY: (Blinks) Oh, silly me! It's 44 seconds! She'll be surprised.
(Back in the chairman's office, Akio is instructing his hired help in the ways of the school grounds)
AKIO: All right, so Nemuro Hall is all you really need to investigate. No need to go to any of the classrooms, or poke around in the dorms, and certainly not here in my tower. There's absolutely nothing worth hiding–er, I mean, paranormal–going on there. And don't go in the woods out back, either.
FRED: Uh... right. OK, gang, let's get to work!
AKIO: If you need anything else, talk to our student council, here. They can set you right.
TOUGA: (Eyeing Daphne) Yes... We certainly can.
DAPHNE: Err...
JURI: (Shoves Touga out of the way) Back off, Casanova! I'm sure I can help her way better than you can! (Grins hopefully at Daphne) Isn't that right?
DAPHNE: Um... I'm just going to stay here. In the office. With Fred.
JURI: (Sobers up) Really? But you look so...
DAPHNE: Nope.
JURI: ...Huh. (Pulls out a business card) Well, if you ever change your mind...
SAIONJI: (Looking over the dog and talking to Shaggy) As a rule, we don't allow pets on the campus unless they're purple monkey-mouse-things... but he seems a decent animal. Does he know any tricks?
SCOOBY: Rut kinda tricks?
(Saionji pauses, then slaps his own head clean off)
UTENA: What?! Come on, you can't tell me that was a surprise!
MIKI: (Talking to Shaggy) All right, if you guys get hurt, the nurse's office is on the ground floor of this building... right next to the cafeteria. You can help yourself to whatever you want in there. We've got salads, ice cream, hamburger–(Catches himself) Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot; you're a vegetarian, right?
SHAGGY: Like, screw that, man! I don't have a voice actor in this. Point me to the rib-eyes!
TOUGA: Heh. I thought so.
AKIO: Well, it sounds like you all are ready, and–
(There's a knock at the door)
AKIO: Oh. Excuse me.
(Akio goes over and opens the door. Velma walks in, seeming... different. Anthy comes in behind her, her face buried in a chemistry book)
VELMA: (Almost sultry) Sorry I'm late, friends... Shaggy, you have any more of that salsa?...
ANTHY: Hi, guys! I think I figured out how to make a real Philosopher's Stone!
UTENA: (Surprised) Anthy! Are you... reading?!
MIKI: (Equally surprised) A SCHOOLbook?!
JURI: (Super suprised) And you didn't crash into anything walking and reading at the same time?! How'd you do it?!
ANTHY: (Raises an eyebrow) What's the matter? I'm perfectly capable of reading. I made it to 7th grade, didn't I?
VELMA: (Leans against the Mystery Machine, accentuating her shapely sweater) So, Freddy, are we starting the job yet? I'm always ready to dive right into a mystery!
SHAGGY: ...Like, is it just me, or is Velma suddenly attractive?
SCOOBY: Reah!
FRED: ...Yeah.
DAPHNE: ...Yeah! (Blinks, looks down at Juri's business card and stuffs it in her pocket)
MIKI: (Scratches chin) Something weird's going on here...
UTENA: Well, sort it out later. We gotta go get our costumes, or we'll be late for the party!
AKIO: Indeed. The shuttle bus should be here any moment now–
(Suddenly, the tie-dye painted Foster's bus comes smashing through the wall right next to the Mystery Machine. More glass and rubble goes flying everywhere. The driver, an energetic-looking redhead in a green hoodie, leans out the doorway)
FRANKIE: HAH! I've always wanted to do that!
AKIO: (Scowling) ...Indeed.
JURI: 'Sup, Frankie?
FRANKIE: How're you all doing? C'mon, go get your stuff and we'll head out! We've got everything set up already!
MIKI: You're pretty upbeat for someone having to schlep a band of sexually-charged high schoolers in a cruddy bus.
FRANKIE: Yeah, but I got to crash through a wall. It's all good.
(Utena and company get on the bus, and Frankie starts it up again)
TOUGA: You have a parachute on this, right?
FRANKIE: (Yanking the stick) Why would I need a parachute on a bus?
(The bus backs up and plummets out the hole it made. A loud mechanical CRASH is heard several dozen floors below)
AKIO: (Looks over the giant hole and shakes his head, then turns to Shaggy) You wouldn't know of a good home renovator, would you?
SHAGGY: (Eyes widen) Like, they don't grow back on their own?!
AKIO: Amazing; you really are stoned. (Goes and pulls Saionji's stray head out of the rubble) He'll need this, I'd wager. (Walks off)
(The sun has set and an eerie full moon hangs over Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends as the bus screeches up at its gates. Utena, Juri and Miki jump out, fully dressed in their Halloween costumes. Utena wears a blue leather jacket, white pants and leather boots, and she has a glass eye patch over her right eye. Miki has dyed his hair silver, and he wears blue-green priestly robes. Juri is covered in brown shaggy fur, and has bulging yellow eyes, a big red nose, big red lips and fangs.)
UTENA: (Looks at Juri) Juri, what the hell.
JURI: The tall costumes were slim pickings this year. It was either this or the Grim Reaper, and I'm not wearing that again after what happened in 4th grade.
UTENA: Oh, right. The old folks' home thing...
(Cut to show a little kid Juri walk into a hospital-looking room in a black robe with a cardboard scythe and a pumpkin candy bucket)
JURI: Happy Halloween, lady!
OLD LADY: AAAAHHHHH!!! Git outta here! I ain't ready yet!!!
(A flying bedside lamp knocks Juri down)
(Back to the present)
JURI: Yeah. That's why.
MIKI: ...I love that puppet jaw.
(Anthy steps out of the bus with an orange sweater and red skirt)
ANTHY: (Looks at Foster's) Jinkies! I hope that house is up to standard building codes.
(Touga, Nanami and Saionji get out after her. Touga has switched to a black leather jacket with a sword and an axe, and he sports squarish glasses. Nanami seems to be wrapped in a pink spool of carpet with a purple skirt and a guitar. Saionji, still headless, is in a red leather jacket with guns at his sides)
NANAMI: How'd I get on the bus?
TOUGA: Perhaps it was some magic from a summon spirit.
NANAMI: OK, I said you could dress up as Richter only if you didn't talk like he does. Don't make me headbutt you with this neck!
TOUGA: Oh, very well... but if I see Marta Lualdi here, all bets are off.
NANAMI: Yeah, right. That sword ain't what you'll have out...
SAIONJI: (Muffled muttering)
(Kozue, Wakaba and Shiori also emerge from the bus. Kozue has a simple schoolgirl uniform and a yellow ribbon in her hair. Wakaba sports a weird suit of red armor with a wild fluff of feathers on its top. Shiori has a black dress, black hair and black eyeshadow, and what looks like a beak strapped to her face)
KOZUE: Oh, boy! This's gonna be so awesome!
WAKABA: Y'know, I can't believe you would actually wear that.
KOZUE: It's Halloween. The best kinds of costumes are ones that're in direct contrast to your own personality.
WAKABA: Oh. So the opposite of "slutty bitch" is "loud ego-trippin' control-freak bitch?"
KOZUE: (Scowls) And the opposite of "screwed-up little sidekick" is shut the hell up.
SHIORI: Simmer down, darlinks. Soon we will snatch Number One Dime from Scrooge!... and by "Number One Dime" I mean public dignity, and by "Scrooge" I mean Juri.
WAKABA: How's that different from any other time you're around?
SHIORI: FIRE 3! (Blasts Wakaba into the air)
(Finally, Frankie emerges from the bus in a purple ninja outfit with her hair dyed black)
FRANKIE: The best thing about a bus is that there's room to change into your costume!
UTENA: Yeah, but did you have to do it while we were driving?!
MIKI: (Walks over to the front of the bus and inspects the mess on the grill) Two chickens, a dog on a leash connected to an old lady... oh, and there's Matt. What's up, Matt?
MATT: Call... ambulance.
MIKI: Um, no. OK, let's get this party started!
(The Ohtori crew heads up to the front door and knocks. The door opens to reveal the tall and fluffy Mr. Herriman, who wears a sloppy sweater, a white kerchief on his head, and a pencil-thin moustache)
HERRIMAN: HULLO!
UTENA: Uh, hi. Can we come in?
(Awkward silence)
HERRIMAN: HULLO!
JURI: Hi, Mr. Herriman! Can we come in?
(Long pause)
HERRIMAN: NO! NO, YOU MAY NOT COME IN! NO! NO! (Pauses) YES! YES! COME IN!
(Herriman hops aside, and the group starts in)
MIKI: Wow. I thought Herriman was a real stick-up-the-ass, but he gets into his costume pretty well.
FRANKIE: Actually, Bloo dropped a bucket of nails on him from six floors up the other day. We decided to have some fun with it.
MIKI: (Eyes cross) Aha...
(The door opens and several of the resident imaginary friends walk in, all wearing costumes. Wilt is wearing a blue vest and a blonde wig, and carrying a cardboard sword. Eduardo has shaved himself and wears a sports vest. Bloo doesn't look different except for that his head seems to have branched out like an umbrella. Mac comes with them, his skin tanned and his hair purple, and a familiar white regal ensemble)
FRANKIE: Hey, guys! Looks like you're all set.
MAC: Yep! Like our costumes, Frankie?
FRANKIE: (Reddening) Oh, yes! Boy, you look nice... Really, really... really nice!
UTENA: Hoo boy.
FRANKIE: (Irked) What?! He does look nice! What're you trying to say, pinkie?!
UTENA: Nothing, nothing... but I wasn't the one seen singing a duet of "Afternoon Delight" with an 8-year-old at the karaoke bar.
MIKI: For the record, you were very good. Almost every word correct!
FRANKIE: Urrrgghhhh...
JURI: (Looks up at Wilt and his costume) Tsk tsk tsk... Disgraceful.
WILT: What? Oh, I'm sorry.
JURI: No, no, it's not YOUR fault. They raped the script BEFORE you put your voice to it.
WILT: Oh. I'm sorry.
JURI: (Getting annoyed) It's fine!
WILT: Oh, now you're getting mad. I'm sorry.
JURI: Knock it off! Remember what happened to the LAST guy who kept apologizing to me!
(Cut to show a little kid Juri walk into a hospital-looking room in a black robe with a cardboard scythe and a pumpkin candy bucket)
JURI: Happy Halloween, lady!
OLD LADY: AAAAHHHHH!!! Git outta here! I ain't ready yet!!!
(A flying bedside lamp knocks Juri down)
(Back to the present)
WILT: ...Huh?
JURI: I guess my castrating Emil Castagnier with his own stupid-looking sword and then pulling his toenails out in slow motion was too graphic.
WILT: ...Eww.
MIKI: (Looks at Eduardo) Wow, you even shaved for that costume? Halloween makes us all go out of our way to look cool.
EDUARDO: Si, si! I just hope mi unshaven hide is enough to scare away the boogeymen tonight!
(Just then, Strong Mad [Homestar Runner] lumbers up and looks Eduardo over)
EDUARDO: ...Um...
STRONG MAD: ...THIS MIRROR IS TOO TIGHT! (Lumbers away)
EDUARDO: Should I be scared?
MIKI: Only if you're a public schoolteacher.
FRANKIE: OK! Looks like everyone's getting set up in the dining hall! Let's go have some fun!
BLOO: (Yawns) Boooring. Sorry to keep myself away from your little party, but I've got something far more awesome to do. Laters! (Starts off. Something drops from him; a VHS tape sleeve)
ANTHY: (Picks up the sleeve and scratches her forehead) "The It?" Hmm...
UTENA: Pheh! How about that.
JURI: Pretty big talk for a guy dressed as a blue dildo.
BLOO: (Offscreen) I'M A PIECE FROM THE GAME OF LIFE!!!
WILT: (Snicker) Everyone's been saying the first thing all day.
MIKI: (To Mac) How did a nice kid like you dream up such a rude, egomaniacal little twonk?
MAC: I think he's supposed to be a manifestation of everything I repress: attitude, jealousy, defiance, sexuality...
FRANKIE: Oh, you don't repress that very much.
MAC: (Clicks tongue) You would know.
UTENA: OK, we get it! WE GET IT!!! Jeez, I like to overeat BEFORE I start blowing chunks.
(The group all moves into the dining hall. The decorations look like they were done by a band of 4-year-olds, but that gives the room a warm, nostalgic air. In addition to imaginary friends, various other characters from other shows and games have gathered. Over in the corner, Ash Ketchum [Pokémon] stands in a sleeveless blue armor plate and jeans. Sheena [Tales of Symphonia] comes over in a red kimono adorned and a buzzsaw blade in her hair)
SHEENA: Hey, Ash! How's it going? Is anybody else here?
(Ash, saying nothing, scribbles down something on a piece of paper)
SHEENA: (Reads) "I was invited on the condition that I don't speak, so as not to offend everyone who hated the voice actor change." Man, that was three years ago! Can't people put it behind them?!
(A flying lamp smashes into Ash's head, knocking him over)
SHEENA: ...Maybe you guys just shouldn't come any more.
(Over by the kitchen door, Saria [Legend of Zelda] is dressed in a simple violet frock, with fairy wings and antennae, and she grips a big crayon. The sign next to her says 'TEMPORARY TATTOOS.' Coco, who isn't really wearing a costume, notices it and skips up)
SARIA: Hi there! What can I draw on you?
COCO: (Displays her chest) Coco!
SARIA: Uh... OK... (Draws a mug with steam on her chest)
COCO: (Irked) Coco! Coco coco coco coco coco!
SARIA: Yeah, you're right; that could be mistaken for coffee. How do I... Ah! I know. (Draws a marshmallow bobbing in the mug)
COCO: (Still angry) COCO COCO COCO COCO COCO COCO!!! (Grabs the crayon with her toe and streaks a silly moustache on Saria's face)
SARIA: ...Well, Mom did say I should stick to music.
COCO: Coco coco coco coco coco coco!... Coco?
SARIA: Fine! I don't really have a mom! God, throw me a bone once in a while!
(Over by the table, Zero and Iris [Mega Man X] are talking with Lan and Mayl [Mega Man Battle Network]. Zero wears a drab gray shirt and black jeans, and all his hair is dyed black and slung over his face and shoulders. Iris is wearing a gray school uniform and mousy-looking glasses. Lan has slicked his hair upwards into an onion-looking shape, and he's wearing a blue shirt and knickerbockers. Mayl has a snake tail instead of legs)
IRIS: OK, so... do our series have any correlation at all? I've read over the stuff and I'm still confused.
LAN: Well, I don't think they're supposed to be connected... I mean, both Battle Network and classic Mega Man are in 20XX, right? It's hard to believe that both things could be going on at the same time...
ZERO: Yes, but then "Zero 3" has Cyberspace areas, which can show Battle Network enemies if you plug the right games in... So they have to be connected, right?
MAYL: Not really... That could be more a "just for fun" thing, like how you guys show up in fighter games... or it could be a sign that the "Zero" series isn't really canon after all. I mean, you talk to enough folks, you start seeing there isn't a lot of love for it.
ZERO: What?! But it lets me have the spotlight all to myself!
LAN: Yeah, a bug-eyed, Lego Technic midget version of yourself. Is that really how you want to look?
MAYL: And it doesn't bring anything new to the X series, aside from contradicting a lot of fundamental aspects.
ZERO: It's what Inafune-san wanted all along! That trumps all of you! I win!
MAYL: ...You sound weird tonight. Like a... (shudder) fan site's forum.
LAN: Yeah. What the hell?
ZERO: Don't change the subject or I'll ban you! Now get out there and download "Maverick Hunter X" so we can get the sequel that EVERYONE wants!
IRIS: (SNIFF) Hey, you're not Zero! (Grabs at his head and pulls it off to reveal...)
LAN/MAYL/IRIS: SORA?!
SORA: Meddling kids!
MAYL: BOOOO!!! (Produces garlic loaf and starts throwing it)
LAN: HISSSSS!!! (Produces more garlic loaf and also throws it at Sora)
IRIS: Yeah, Zero would never smell like old garlic loaf... Where'd he get to?
(Zero comes up with a plateful of candies and treats)
ZERO: Sorry. I was off getting goodies.
IRIS: DON'T SAY THAT WORD!!! (Pulls out a fake gun and shoots herself in the head, and a big purple winged mech appears above her)
ZERO: Ohhh, butterballs.
(Meanwhile, over a the snack table, Yolei, Davis and Cody [Digimon] are busy chowing down. Davis is painted gold with various mechanical bits on his joints, and Cody is little more than a white trash can with his salad-bowl haircut. Yolei wears a brown monk's robe)
DAVIS: I like the parties, but do we always have to dress up how Yolei wants? It's getting old.
YOLEI: I didn't hear either of you come up with good costume ideas.
DAVIS: I gave you plenty of ideas!
YOLEI: I said GOOD ideas.
DAVIS: A three-person Loch Ness monster WAS a good idea!
YOLEI: Well, you've got your costume's personality down...
CODY: I'd enjoy this costume more if I didn't pick up a hitchhiker.
(Oscar the Grouch [Sesame Street] pops out of the top of the can and grabs a swath of food)
CODY: Hey! Save some for the rest of us!
OSCAR: Up yours, kendo boy! (Vanishes back inside)
CODY: This is what American children grow up watching?
YOLEI: Whew, I'd better grab some before it's all gone.
(Yolei reaches for the punch bowl, but it's suddenly snatched away. A fuzzy yellow-and-black imaginary friend has it)
YOLEI: Hey, uh, can I get some of that?
(The imaginary friend sneers, then hurls it on the ground, shattering it)
FRANKIE: (Running up) I heard something smash! What happened?! (Looks down) Yolei! That was an antique punch bowl!
YOLEI: I-It wasn't me! It was the Electabuzz there! (Points at the fuzzy thing)
FRANKIE: Who, Bendy?
BENDY: (Sniffles) WAAAAHHHHH!!!
FRANKIE: Urgh! Shame on you, Yolei!
YOLEI: (Vile glare) Whaaaaaaaaat?!
BENDY: (Cackles)
YOLEI: (Whips out a blue lightsaber) ZANETSUKEN!!! (Cleaves Bendy in half)
DAVIS: Woah!
CODY: I guess being the youngest kid has made her learn survival tactics.
FRANKIE: (Looks at the chopped-up friend) ...Can't say I'm too upset; he always brought out the worst in people for some reason.
(Over on the dance floor, Utee, Miki, Juri and Anthy are getting down to the music along with others)
UTENA: I gotta say, Mikster, I thought this was going to be a mediocre charity pledge drive thing, but they sure know how to party here!
MIKI: Do you send any imaginary friends here, Utena?
UTENA: No, mine were destroyed by a cruel act of nature: child therapy.
MIKI: Didn't do much for your other problems, did it.
UTENA: No, thank God. Otherwise we wouldn't have a show. How about you? Is that little guy something you dreamed up?
MIKI: Huh? (Looks down; a big tomato with an angry expression is hopping up and down behind him) Uh... no.
JURI: (Looks down, then looks at Anthy) Hey, aren't you going to say something off-color, like "that's the prettiest pumpkin I've ever seen?"
ANTHY: (Shrugs) It's clearly a giant tomato. Why would I say that?
MIKI: You could say–YEOWWWWW!!!
ANTHY: Why would I say that?
MIKI: Because the damn thing's got my foot!!! (Lifts up his leg; the tomato is gnashing on his leg up to his knee)
TOMATO: NGRRRRR!!!
UTENA: HEY! Get off! (Yanks out her sword and slashes the tomato in half; red juice flies everywhere) Sheesh... Some of these friends are downright... well, unfriendly.
MIKI: (Counting his toes) One, two, three, four... five. OK, they're all there. WHAT THE HELL, UTENA?!
UTENA: Sorry. Violence makes me react violently.
JURI: We'd better tell Frankie some of the nastier friends got loose!
ANTHY: (Looks up and points) I think she's aware of it.
(The windows shatter and a swath of nasty creatures assault the party: mummies obviously wrapped in toilet paper shamble around and strangle partygoers; angry tomatoes chomp at people's knees; dorky-looking vampires fly through the air, swooping down and grabbing others. Everyone is panicking accordingly)
COCO: (Racing around) COCOCOCOCOCOCOCOCOCOCOCOCOCOCO!!!
WILT: (Running from a vampire) I'm sorry, but I NEED this blood!
EDUARDO: MADRE DE DIOS!!! (Crashes through a wall, then amazingly comes crashing in from the outside wall) ...How did that work?
JURI: WOAH! There's even a headless gunman!
UTENA: No, that's just Saionji.
(Saionji, still headless, is stumbling around the room, banging into ghoul and reveler alike. Frankie knocks him over as she runs towards the Ohtori kids)
MIKI: Frankie, what happened? You didn't tell us there'd be some mean-spirited friends here!
FRANKIE: No way these are any of ours! Why would they be attacking ME?!
JURI: Er... Because Herriman's right and you're really just a lazy slob who'd rather sleep than work to improve society?
FRANKIE: I'll deny half of that!
MAC: (Runs up to the Ohtori kids) You guys! They're attacking the friends, too! We've gotta do something!
(The floor rumbles and out burst a slew of nondescript zombies, their rotty flesh drooping around their limbs)
ANTHY: Jinkies!
JURI: Say what now?
FRANKIE/MAC: YAAAAHHHH!!! (Mac leaps into Frankie's arms)
UTENA: Aww, get a room.
MIKI: I've got a better suggestion: RUN LIKE HELL!!!
(The six of them tear through the house, which is now swarming with creeps and fiends at every turn... and wouldn't you know it, a guitar riff splits the air)
UTENA: Woah, we get a song this time? Must be serious!
(As they continue to crash into zombies, mummies, tomatoes and the like in a terrifying chase montage, the song kicks into high gear)
You hear the screeching of an owl,
And then the wind begins to howl
You know there're zombies on the prowl~
And it's terror time again!
They've got you runnin' through the night!
It's terror time again
And you just might DIE of fright!
It's the terrifying time!
You feel the pounding of your heart,
You know the screaming's gonna start
Here comes the really AWFUL part~
'Cuz it's terror time again!
They've got you runnin' through the night!
It's terror time again
And you just might DIE of fright!
It's the terrifying time!
All the trees begin to moan
And the monsters snap and groan
Rotting faces dripping slime
Now you know it's terror time~
And it's terror time again!
They've got you runnin' through the night!
Yeah, it's terror time again!
Oh, you just might DIE of fright!
It's the terrifying time!!!
MIKI: ...That's a little different than the regular lyrics, isn't it?
JURI: Well, if the writer thinks he can do it better, he's gonna do it.
FRANKIE: I'd rather he just GET US OUTTA HERE!!!
(The nearest door bursts open and more monsters pour into the hall)
FRANKIE: (Looking upwards) Oh, you suck SO much.
UTENA: You'll get used to it.
(The monsters start to close in, but suddenly there's a roar of an engine from nearby)
JURI: What the...?
UTENA: Oh, no.
(Akio's red car smashes through the wall, momentarily stunning the throng)
AKIO: Did someone call for a hero?
MAC: ...Yes?
AKIO: Too bad. You got me. (Holds up Saionji's head as the body stumbles in) Here we are!
(Akio gracefully tosses Saionji's head, and it lands right where it ought to be)
SAIONJI: HEAD GET!!!
(Saionji whips out his pistols and starts blasting the ghouls. Surprisingly, when they get shot, the fiends dissipate in a hail of pixels and black tape)
ANTHY: (Fumbles with glasses) Hmm?!
MIKI: What the...? Are those things Digimon or something?
(Yolei, Davis and Cody, trapped in one of the hallways by several mummies, look up in offense)
YOLEI: Oh, you are NOT pinning this on us! (Whips out her lightsaber and charges at the mummies)
(Back to Utena)
JURI: Well, at least we know the things can be destroyed. (Cups her hands around her mouth) HEY, YOU GUYYYYYYS!!! YOU CAN KILL 'EM!!!
(Iris, Zero and Sora, who are cornered by killer tomatoes, look up in surprise)
ZERO: Well, that changes everything.
IRIS: (Puts pistol to her head) COLONEL! (Shoots. Colonel [Mega Man X] appears and starts slashing the produce to bits)
ZERO: (Grabs a microphone) BRUUUUUTAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!
(The sound waves make the rest of the tomatoes pop. So does Sora's head)
ZERO: ...Whoops.
(Back to Utena, who is trying to fend off a trio vampires with the others at the top of the first set of stairs)
UTENA: Ugh! I thought we were done with vampires when we offed Mikelangelo!
MIKI: Who are you guys? Dracula?
VAMPIRE A: I'm his second cousin!
VAMPIRE B: I'm his sister-in-law!
VAMPIRE C: I'm his college roommate! I'll have you know I had a better GPA than he did!
UTENA: Just for the record, none of you are emo or sparkly, right?
VAMPIRES: YUCK! NO!
UTENA: Thank you.
FRANKIE: This house is no place to fight! We have to get outside!
JURI: Quick! Slide down the banister! (Gets on the stair banister and falls off immediately) I never was very good at that.
UTENA: I'll handle this! PIRATES' WRATH!!! (Smashes through the glass window and everyone flees to the central garden below. The vampires follow)
JURI: Well, now what?!
MIKI: Now we do an encore! Hey, vampires! Moonlight's reflected sunlight!
VAMPIRE B: So what?
MIKI: (Shocked) "So what?" But... but you're defying physical logic!
ANTHY: (Scratches her head) Is that so...?
VAMPIRE A: Get them! (The vampires charge)
UTENA: Well, NOW what do we do, brainiac?
MAC: Miki! (Points at the Extremesaur cages at the far end of the garden)
MIKI: (Grins) Hey, I like this kid. (Raises his arm and a shotgun pops out of his robes. He shoots the lock off the biggest cage and the gigantic, raging black Extremesaur crashes out, headed right for the vampires)
VAMPIRE C: Ooh. This gonna be worse than a stake.
(The Extremesaur snaps up the vampires and chews them into black juice before swallowing. Broken bits CDs litter the ground around the massacre)
FRANKIE: OK, that works... but how do we stop that thing from attacking the house?
(Miki's armpit shotgun blows the Extremesaur to smithereens)
FRANKIE: ...Now why haven't I ever thought of that?
UTENA: Because you're trapped on a kiddie show.
JURI: OK! We're free! Let's beat it!
(Everyone turns to run, but then they all notice a green pear sitting on the ground... with a set of grinning teeth)
UTENA: What the...?
MIKI: We must be doing something wrong.
ANTHY: (Thinks for a moment) I've got it! We're destroying the monsters, but we're not dealing with the source of it all.
JURI: Really? You know, you've been acting weird lately, Anthy.
UTENA: Yeah... You're, well... making sense.
MIKI: And you've lost your appeal, too.
ANTHY: Really? Huh... Nothing much has changed, aside from getting my glasses knocked off earlier, and...
UTENA: Woah! Wait! Did you switch glasses with Velma back at school?!
ANTHY: I could have, I guess.
MIKI: Then that must be it! Anthy, your wearing Velma's glasses has made you as quick and smart as she is!
JURI: ...Then what's happening back at school, with Anthy's glasses?
(At Ohtori Academy, up on the dueling ground, Velma is dressed in Anthy's Rose Bride gown. Fred and Daphne are on opposite sides, each holding a sword and wearing colorful roses)
FRED: She's mine! (Charges)
DAPHNE: No way! She's MINE!!! (Charges)
(Back to Utena)
MIKI: ...I'm sure everything's just fine. How dramatic can changing your glasses be?
FRANKIE: Hey, you said something about a "source." Do you know what it is?
ANTHY: Yes, I think I've just about wrapped up this mystery. All we need to do now is find the source. Frankie, does this place have a computer somewhere?
FRANKIE: The only one in the place is in my room.
ANTHY: Then we should head there. That's where we'll get our answers.
MAC: Makes sense; it's where I got my answers.
FRANKIE: (Blushes) Oh, you!
UTENA: Maybe we were better off with the vampires.
(As the party races back towards the house, Alice and Decus [Tales of Symphonia 2] block their way. Alice is wearing a red overcoat and red hat, and Decus is swathed in bandages and leaning on a big gun-shaped crutch)
ALICE: Ooh, look, Decus! It's the little twerps.
UTENA: What the–Oh, not YOU guys.
MIKI: How quaint. Unnecessary villains from an unnecessary sequel.
ALICE: (Splutters) We were TOO necessary!
MIKI: Come on. Two conniving brats–one of which only thinks with his penis–who thought they were tricking everybody when it turned out Richter wasn't even intending to open up the power source you were after. Whyn't you just go trick-or-treating like everyone else?
ALICE: We can't let you stop this monster explosion! I'm going to get to the source first and take its power for myself!
FRANKIE: What, the power to cough up stupid Halloween monsters? How is that very useful?
ALICE: Oh, Frank-Frank, you're just jealous because I'm adorable and you're... well... made of sticks.
FRANKIE: "Frank-Frank?"
MAC: Why do I suddenly want hot dogs?
MIKI: Your naming conventions haven't improved either, I see.
DECUS: (Twitching) Hey! Don't badmouth my dear Alice, or otherwise you'll have to answer to me!
JURI: ...Have you got termites in your jock strap? I did those moves when I had termites in my jock strap.
ANTHY: (Raises eyebrow) Why were you wearing a jock strap?
JURI: Solve that one on your own time.
ALICE: I'm going to gain unlimited power! But first, I need you to die.~
UTENA: OK, I'm gonna stop you right there. If you're a villain, you have to say something more malicious than "die." How about "shuffle off this mortal coil," or "prepare for the great beyond?"
MIKI: Or "I can't believe it's not butter?"
ALICE: ...What?
MIKI: IT'S BUTTER!!! (Shotguns Decus in the head)
ALICE: HEY! I wasn't ready!
(Utena punts Alice into the air and she vanishes over the horizon)
UTENA: Well, that takes care of everyone they wanted to feature in this special. Let's hurry!
(Konata Izumi [Lucky Star] walks in, wearing an old-time barber's hat and suspenders, and showing all her teeth)
KONATA: Mmm, yes.
(The group races towards the house, but suddenly several mummies rear up in front of them)
JURI: Oh, no! Bandage people!
MIKI: Relax, I know how to handle THESE guys... (Pulls out a wad of legal forms) Two thousand years of back taxes!!!
(The mummies scream and disintegrate)
UTENA: Whoo! That's better than the Sun's Song.
(The party gets back inside the house, which by now is almost torn to shreds by the monsters and fleeing guests. Wilt and Eduardo race through, being pursued by more of the bounding tomatoes)
WILT: I'm sorry I squashed the other one, but he wouldn't stop biting me when I asked him to!
EDUARDO: AAAAHHHH!!!
FRANKIE: (Enraged) That's IT! It's time to call in some reinforcements! (Puts her hands together and closes her eyes, and several of her parchment scrolls float up around her)
UTENA: (Shocked) No way! She can't really summon, can she?
WILT: She goes all out on her Halloween costumes. Last year she was Odin and zapped a guy who tried to give her Bit-O-Honeys.
FRANKIE: (Echoing voice) I call upon the servant of Mother Earth! I summon thee! COME! GNOME!!!
(Magical circles and triangles appear beneath Frankie, and then there's a bright flash of light... and then Cheese appears with a paper beard and a dunce cap)
MIKI: ...Wha?
UTENA: Hoo boy.
CHEESE: (Waving one arm) I'M A PYNTIE-HET!!!
FRANKIE: Aww, hell! That'll teach me to shop at the discount ninjutsu dress barn!
JURI: Don't be too upset yet, Frankie. Cheese defeated zombies before; maybe he can beat tomatoes!
(A killer tomato is munching noisily on something close to where Cheese had been standing)
JURI: ...Or maybe not.
FRANKIE: (Looks around quick) My room's just up on the next floor! If we hurry we can–
(Seeming to hear her, the tomatoes block the stairs, and several mummies and zombies appear on the landing)
MIKI: Hey! Zombies on stairs?! Blasphemy!
UTENA: This isn't "Resident Evil," man... Something I'm eternally grateful for.
MAC: Ed! Knock those things out of the way so we can get upstairs!
EDUARDO: No, no, no, Seńor Mac! I is too scared!!!
ANTHY: Eduardo, a word, please.
(Anthy whispers something in Eduardo's ear, and his eyes bug out)
EDUARDO: NOOOO!!! (Goes charging up the stairs, knocking all the monsters every which way)
FRANKIE: ...Man! I've NEVER seen him go that fast! What'd you tell him?
ANTHY: Do you really want to know?
FRANKIE: (Thinks for a second) ...No.
UTENA: Heh. She's still the Rose Bride.
(The party scrambles up the stairs and hangs a left. Some sort of eerie white light is emanating from Frankie's room)
UTENA: Wow, something really IS going on in there!
FRANKIE: Right! Come on!
(Frankie is about to rush in when a long, black tentacle lunges out of the dark hallway and snares her, trying to drag her away)
FRANKIE: HEY! What the?!
MAC: (Eyes widen) Oh, no! It's the It!
MIKI: "The It?" Sounds like something they'd serve in the cafeteria.
ANTHY: Oh, I see... (Holds up the VHS tape sleeve she found earlier) "The It," just like here... I've solved this mystery completely.
JURI: Swell, Anthy, but shouldn't we save Frankie from being devoured and/or tentacle violated?!
FRANKIE: (Clawing at the floorboards as she's being dragged into the dark) YES, PLEASE!
ANTHY: Don't worry. Everything will be fine once we put a stop to this. (Pushes open the door) Bloo, are you in there?
MAC: What?!
(The others rush in. Bloo is at Frankie's computer with a stack of videotapes on one side and a pile of broken and/or melted tapes and DVDs on the other. A toaster is sitting next to the computer, smoking profusely)
BLOO: Hey, guys! Man, does Frankie know how much her computer sucks?
UTENA: What're you doing?!
ANTHY: Isn't it obvious? He's trying to illegally make copies of low-budget horror films, like "In-Laws of Dracula," "TP Mummies" and whatever involves evil fruit.
MIKI: Well, yeah, but does that usually end up bringing the movie monsters into the so-to-speak real world?
ANTHY: Not usually, but considering it's Halloween... and the way Bloo's set up his operation.
BLOO: What?! It's not my fault this toaster won't toast the discs right!
MAC: Bloo, it's called BURNING DVDs, not TOASTING them!
BLOO: Is that right?! Quick! Get the oven!
UTENA: Sorry, Bloo, but we're pullin' the plug on this.
BLOO: Why? 'Cuz it's illegal?
UTENA: No, it's because I can't let Frankie get deflowered by a rampaging fiend from beyond.
MAC: Kind of late for that...
JURI: Oh, no! Did it get her already?! (Looks out the door)
MAC: ...I'm not saying anything else.
(Utena unplugs Frankie's computer and instantly the eerie feeling lifts. The lights come back on, and all remaining monsters vanish. The partygoers who didn't get killed off all cheer and run for the exits. Frankie, seconds from being devoured and violated simultaneously by the It, falls to the ground as the shadowy figure dissipates)
FRANKIE: Whew! I almost ended up in my own fanfic.
UTENA: (WHEW) Well, that's another Halloween horror finished up. Let's all get back on the bus and go home!
???: (Offscreen) Just a moment, dearies. Don't be in such a rush!
(Everyone turns around. The small but perky Madame Foster is standing in the doorway, a plain blue dress on and a sack full of explosives on her back)
MAC: Oh, hi, Madame Foster.
MADAME FOSTER: I hear we've been having quite an adventure tonight!
MIKI: Yeah... but more importantly, it was HIS fault! (Grabs Bloo and drops him in front of her)
MADAME FOSTER: (Shakes head) I'm very disappointed in you, Bloo. (Holds up another tape) You were burning DVDs and you didn't even tell me? I had "Swamp Creatures on Parade" and "Night Of A Thousand Land Crabs!"
BLOO: WHAT?! Aww, man! Sorry, Madame Foster. Next time, I'll tell you.
FRANKIE: Hey! Woah! (Rushes in) Burning illegal DVDs? What kind of message are we trying to convey to children?!
BLOO/MADAME FOSTER: ...Kids are watching this?
JURI: I doubt it. Otherwise we'd be getting calls from whiny parent watchdog groups demanding we be shut down–
(The phone on Frankie's desk starts ringing)
JURI: ...Don't answer that.
AKIO: (Sweeping grandly into the room) Ah, children! It seems you were successful in your little haunt jaunt, hmm? Lovely... (Looks up) Oh! Madame Foster! It's been far too long. (Grabs her hand and kisses it)
MADAME FOSTER: (Blushy) Ooh, Mister Akio! You've hardly aged a day! How did you manage that?
MAC: Wait, what?!
FRANKIE: (Getting pale) Grandma, don't tell me you...?!
MADAME FOSTER: Well, I couldn't start this home on my own. I had a few donors.
JURI: (Scowling) I bet he donated more than money...
FRANKIE: (Thinks, then gets even more pale) What?! N... No way!!! NO!
AKIO: Calm down, my sweet. Unless you have some purple hair in all that red, you're just fine.
UTENA: OK, I'm through holding it! (Runs to the window and throws up loudly)
FRANKIE: (Disgusted) Grandma!!! He's...!
MADAME FOSTER: Well, that's a pot calling a kettle black if I've ever seen one.
FRANKIE: (Slumps) Wha... Ugh...
AKIO: (Hands her a glittering rose-crested ring) You may need it sooner than you think.
MIKI: (To Juri) Well, I guess we're going home now, and Velma's glasses will get returned... Too bad. I'm gonna miss smart Anthy.
MAC: (Points) Wanna bet?
(Anthy is over in the corner with Akio, going over a notebook)
ANTHY: So, you see? If you reorder the duels this way, and factor out the gender problem, then this solution gives you a 99% success rate towards opening the Rose Gate!
AKIO: (Surprised) Why, I could dissolve the student council entirely with this! Thank you so much. I'll begin working on this as soon as we return to Ohtori Academy.
MIKI: (Slumps) I'm not gonna miss smart Anthy.
JURI: I grab the notebook, you burn it.
EPILOGUE
(In the banged-up Foster's bus, the gang returns to their school)
UTENA: Ohhhh, what a day.
JURI: I can't imagine anything else can happen.
(They get off the bus to see a shocking site; all the school buildings are covered in psychadelic blotches, and there are dog treats littering the ground. Akio is screaming at Velma in the center of it all)
AKIO: What do you MEAN they opened the Rose Gate?!
VELMA: What? They won.
AKIO: But... but... a hippie... and a dog?! Revolutionizing the world?! MY world?! Ohhhhh!!! (Collapses)
MIKI: (Blinks) Well... I guess this place is finished, then.
UTENA: I've got one thing to say to that: like, let's get to the pantry and make ourselves some hero sandwiches, man!
JURI: Amen!
(The kids run off, leaving Akio to wallow in Scooby Snax)
EPILOGUE EPILOGUE
(Frankie is sitting in front of her mirror, obsessively pulling down each of her hairs and looking it over)
FRANKIE: Red... Red... Red... Red... Red... Red... Gray. (Looks at the reader with insane glee) Well, at least it's not PURPLE!!! GEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEEEEEE!!!
HERRIMAN: (Hops in) Miss Frances, I can't seem to account for the last twelve hours... and why am I wearing a white handkerchief?
FRANKIE: (Grabs him and dances up and down) I'M NOT HELLSPAWN!!! EVERYBODY MAMBO!!!
HERRIMAN: Then again, perhaps it's better if I don't get an answer.
CAST AND COSTUMES
Revolutionary Girl Utena
Utena- Vyse (Skies of Arcadia)
Juri- Sweetums (The Muppet Show)
Miki- Billy Lee Black (Xenogears)
Kozue- Haruhi Suzumiya
Shiori- Magica DeSpell (DuckTales)
Wakaba- Onion Knight (Final Fantasy)
Saionji- Vash the Stampede (Trigun)
Anthy- Velma Dinkley (Scooby Doo)
Nanami- Marzipan (Homestar Runner)
Touga- Richter (Tales of Symphonia 2)
Akio- The Warden (Superjail!)
Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends
Frankie- Sheena (Tales of Symphonia)
Mac- Dios (Utena)
Bloo- Blue game piece (The Game of Life)
Eduardo- Strong Mad (Homestar Runner)
Wilt- Ramza Beoulve (Final Fantasy Tactics)
Coco- Herself
Cheese- A gnome
Herriman: A Gumby (Monty Python's Flying Circus)
Madame Foster- Bomb Shop Lady (Zelda; Majora's Mask)
Digimon
Yolei- Obi-Wan Kenobi
Davis- C-3PO
Cody- R2-D2 (with Oscar the Grouch)
Matt- Roadkill
Sora- Zero as Nathan Explosion
Homestar Runner
Strong Mad- Himself
Legend of Zelda
Saria- Doodle Fairy (Dragon Tales)
Lucky Star
Konata- Doctor Barber (Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack)
Mega Man
Iris- Chihiro Fushimi (Persona 3)
Zero- Nathan Explosion (Metalocalypse)
Lan- Tintin (The Adventures of Tintin)
Mayl- Lamia
Mystery Inc.
Fred Jones
Daphne Blake
Velma Dinkley
Norville "Shaggy" Rogers (and his dog)
Pokémon
Ash- Reid Hershel (Tales of Eternia)
Tales of Symphonia
Alice- Arukenimon
Decus- Mummymon
Sheena- Tamako (Mega Man Battle Network)
SOUNDTRACK
Cheeseburger- Comin' Home (Superjail!)
Skycycle- It's Terror Time Again (Scooby Doo on Zombie Island)
ADDENDUM
(Axl [Mega Man X] stands out on a dusty road under the full moon, in an errie grove of dead trees)
AXL: OK, so why didn't I get invited to the party? Why'd you tell me to stand here?... and why has the camera pulled back to a wide shot?
(The Headless Horseman tears through the woods and decapitates Axl. After an awkward 30-second silence, Alice crashes down in the bushes nearby)
HAPPY HALLOWEEN 2009!!!
