(A crisp November wind blows several golden leaves across the rooftop of Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. We see young Utena Tenjou and Frankie Foster working side by side with hammers and nails, putting the finishing touches on the roof banisters)
FRANKIE: Well, that should do it!
UTENA: Man, who would've thought it would take us until the end of November to fix up all the damage those Halloween monsters did to the place?
FRANKIE: Well, I have to thank you and your friends for coming back to help. It's a hell of a lot more than SOME people did. Didn't see Mister Bloo doing ANYTHING.
UTENA: To be fair, you did tie him up in the basement last week. With bike chains.
FRANKIE: (Thinks for a minute) Oh, yeah, I did. How long can somebody go without food again?
(Just then, Mr. Herriman hops in)
HERRIMAN: Ah, Miss Tenjou. I see Miss Frances and you have finished the repairs up here?
UTENA: Well, yeah... except for that. (Points up at a gigantic castle floating upside-down in the sky above) You might wanna get rid of that. It's not a good thing.
HERRIMAN: Here, now! That fanciful structure was a generous gift from our most prominent donor, a one "End of the World." It would be rude to toss it aside.
UTENA: It'd be suicide to not toss it aside. Trust me; you do NOT want that hangin' over your rooftop.
FRANKIE: Well, the lights do keep some of the Friends up at night... but come on, Utee, what's the worst that could happen?
UTENA: ...You've never watched my show, have you?
HERRIMAN: Semantics aside, your friends report that they're finished with the repairs. I'm sure Miss Frances wouldn't object to shuttling you all back to your school.
FRANKIE: (Dryly) Oh, no, I just love driving that shitmobile all the way to Japan and back. It totally doesn't suck down gasoline like a fat lady in a donut shop.
UTENA: They don't reimburse you for gas?
FRANKIE: Only with more gas. We've got this Friend called Oily, and when she needs to be milked... Ugh, don't make me go into detail.
UTENA: I won't.
(They head downstairs, where a good deal of the Ohtori Academy students are milling in the lobby among the imaginary friends, all looking tired from their hard repair work: Touga Kiryuu and Kiyouichi Saionji are covered in dust and debris from patching the broken walls; Miki and Kozue Kaoru are dripping wet from fixing the water pipes; Juri Arisugawa and Fosters regular Mac are adorned with cobwebs and twitching from replacing the electrical wiring. Even Anthy Himemiya and Akio Ohtori came to work, though neither is very dirty)
FRANKIE: OK, everyone! Thanks a ton for staying and helping us get things back to abnormal... (Looks at the grandfather clock) Holy crap, it's THAT late?!
MIKI: (Wrings out his shirt) Yeah, it's almost 4:30! The sun would've been down by now if the writer had remembered Daylight Savings Time.
(The happy sunlight outside changes to utter darkness)
MIKI: Thank you.
(Kozue shakes like a dog all over him)
AKIO: Yes, we should be getting home. After all, tomorrow is...
EVERYONE: (Throws up their hands) THANKSGIVING!!!
AKIO: Which, despite the oddity of a Japanese private school celebrating an American holiday, is a good excuse for us all to have a rip-roaring drunken orgy of a time, and so we really should get back and prepare.
FRANKIE: (Freaks out) Oh, no! And it's THAT late?! OK, don't panic, Frankie, dooooon't panic... TOO LATE! (Grabs Utena) Utee! I gotta get two dozen turkeys in the oven, stat! Stall everyone until I'm done!
UTENA: This sounds like a holiday special in itself.
FRANKIE: That's why I'm glad this one focuses on you! (Dashes off)
UTENA: Uh, OK... (Looks up) Titles, please?
UTENA TALKS TURKEY
2009 Thanksgiving Special
By ker-plop
Loosely loosely based on a Christmas special of "The Vicar Of Dibley"
UTENA: Wow, we're based on something this time. I thought we reserved that for Christmas specials.
(Suddenly, she is crushed under the weight of her friend Wakaba, who has glomped her at high speed from the top of the stairs)
WAKABA: UTENA-SAMAAAA!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!!
UTENA: (URK) Thanks, Wakaba... Can you get off me now? I'd like to keep the shinbones I was born with.
WAKABA: (Hops off and looks sad) I'm sorry I can't have you over for dinner this year. Mom and Dad want me back home...
UTENA: That's OK, Wakaba. Last year's turkey was still so frozen, we used it as an oversized hockey puck for a week, remember?
WAKABA: Oh, right... So, what've you got planned?
UTENA: (Shrugs) Meh, not much. We're all watching the parade in my dorm's foyer, and then I'll probably just keep on with the national dog show and then Charlie Brown and whatever Disney movie they've got planned. Finish it off with an episode of "CSI" where the murder is Thanksgiving-themed and puts you right off the whole holiday... with toy commercials up the wazoo.
WAKABA: (Surprised) What? Nobody's invited you to dinner?
UTENA: It's fine, really. I mean, I can't eat much given how I'm drawn, can I?
WAKABA: Oh, I guess... Well, I bet you'll have a good time anyway! (Looks over and runs off) Ooh, Coco! Gimme a Cadbury one!
UTENA: Whew... Well, I guess I'll just chat-chit until Frankie comes back... Yeah. (Walks over to Touga and Saionji, who are still picking bits of stonework out of their hair) Hey, guys. You look like you just came out of the stone age.
SAIONJI: I ought to slap you for that... but I've got so much cement dust on me, I can't really move my arms that fast.
TOUGA: (Coughs awkwardly) It's actually a good thing, you coming over here, Utena. Saionji and I had something to ask you.
UTENA: I'm not doing your laundry again. Not after what happened on Rootin' Tootin' Prune Juice Chili Night.
TOUGA: Fair enough, but let me keep going. You see, Nanami is out of town for the long weekend... She had a meeting to attend.
(Cut to show Nanami and Mitsuru cutting loose on a dance floor as rave lights flash and funky German techno music plays. Dozens of cows dance around them, all looking equally buzzed)
NANAMI: Who's gettin' eaten this week? Who's gettin' eaten this week? NOT US! WOO! DO THAT HINDU-DU-DU THAT YOU DO!~
MITSURU: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
(A furry blue hand taps Mitsuru on the shoulder. It's Cookie Monster in tight leather pants)
MITSURU: Huh. You're late this year.
COOKIE MONSTER: KEKSEN!!!
(Back to Touga)
UTENA: (Raises an eyebrow) That ended kind of abruptly.
TOUGA: Erm, yes. Well, that being said, Saionji and I are having Thanksgiving dinner together, and, well... being the gentlemen that we are...
SAIONJI: We'd like more than just turkey breasts!
UTENA: WHAT?! (Slaps Saionji)
SAIONJI: (Blinks) I should stop doing that. It stings!
TOUGA: Err, what we're trying to ask, Miss Tenjou... Would you join us for Thanksgiving dinner? I promise you, we'll behave like perfect gentlemen.
UTENA: (Surprised) Really? (Scratches her chin) Well, I'd be lying if I said I was busy... OK, I'd be happy to join you two.
SAIONJI: SCORE! (High-fives Touga)
TOUGA: Lovely! We'll have a delicious dinner, and maybe afterwards we can watch a few sultry movies from Nanami's collection!
UTENA: Errr, I'll have to stop you guys there. I enjoy Nanami's teenybopper flicks like I'd enjoy pointy sticks thrust up both my lower orifices.
TOUGA: "Pointy Sticks Thrust Up Both My Lower Orifices?" You know, I think she's got that one.
UTENA: Hey, I said yes to dinner. Better quit while you're ahead.
TOUGA: Got it.
UTENA: (Moves off) Maybe Frankie needs some help in the kitchen–
(Suddenly, something wet and clammy grabs her arm. She turns around and sees Kozue smiling at her)
KOZUE: Hello, Utena!
UTENA: Uh... Hi, Kozue... You going to hold on all night or just long enough for me to catch cold?
KOZUE: Umm, look, Utena. I know we have our differences... I mean, I'm a gorgeous, voluptuous maiden in the bloom of youth... and then there's you.
UTENA: Yes. Me. You know, the girl who can send you three floors up without using the stairs?
KOZUE: Err, yes. Well, what I'm trying to say is... Well, being the holidays, I'd like to extend an olive branch... for Miki's sake, you understand. Poor guy, torn between the women he loves the most; I can't begin to imagine how he feels!
UTENA: I'd think you'd know that well enough.
KOZUE: OK, before I lose my freak burst of politeness entirely... Our folks are out on a "competent parenting" course, and I'm learning to cook!
UTENA: (Raises eyebrow) You? Cook? Who's teaching you?
KOZUE: (Holds up a magazine) Martha Stewart.
UTENA: She's not cooking the same thing right next to you and making you look better than you are, is she?
KOZUE: Look, what I'm trying to say... Would you come to Thanksgiving dinner with Miki and me?
UTENA: (Hesitantly looks over where Touga and Saionji are talking to some Friend) Err... Well, I'm thankful for the invite, Kozue, but–
KOZUE: "But?!" (Sighs and sags) Aww, who'm I kidding? You're right. No matter how I try to gussy myself up, I'm always going to be just an incest-hungry little bitch to you, aren't I?
UTENA: Hey, come on, I didn't say that!
KOZUE: (Grins hopefully) Oh, so you'll come?
UTENA: Uh... (Winces) Yes?
KOZUE: (Beams) Oh, wonderful! Miki'll be so happy!... not that this gives you any extra footing towards him, mind you.
UTENA: Uh, great!... Would you excuse me just a second? (Dashes back to Touga and Saionji) Hey, guys, uh–
SAIONJI: Hey again, Utena! Really looking forward to dinner. It's going to be the best Thanksgiving out of all two of them!
TOUGA: Yes! And I assure you, we shall be on our best behavior!
UTENA: (Grins awkwardly) Yeah! Yeah! I'm can't wait to see THAT!... Um, excuse me... (Zips back to Kozue) Uh, Kozue–
KOZUE: (Still beaming) I'm so excited! I've got all sorts of recipes to try out! Hey, you think mixing jalapeńos with the cranberry sauce is too wild?
UTENA: Uh... No way! No, that sounds... really adventurous! Looking forward to it! (Steps away from both parties) Aww, man, now I've really dropped myself in it. I want to see how long those goons can keep up their "gentleman" act, but I can't keep myself from watching Kozue mess up a whole meal! What am I gonna do?
CHEESE: (Looks up at her) INVEST IN MALDEN!
UTENA: ...More importantly, why am I talking to you?
(Just then, Frankie staggers back in, ice coating her fingers and part of her ponytail on fire)
FRANKIE: OK, people! Bus is leaving in five minutes! Get out there and get yourselves seated!... And Mac, quit that silly dance and go reign in your imaginary friend! He's trying to make his homestyle cranberry toejam again!
MAC: (Still twitching with electric shocks) O-o-o-o-on it, Fr-r-r-rankie! (Scampers off jerking up and down)
UTENA: Whew... Good thing we're going home... I need to have a lie-down and think about–
(Just then, she bumps into Akio and Anthy near the door)
ANTHY: (Beams) Hello, Utena-sama!
UTENA: Oh, hey guys. You're going home in your own car, right?
AKIO: (Smiling seductively) Ah, yes... but before we went, I just wanted to remind you that dinner will be at 5:00.
UTENA: Oh, OK, I... (Stiffens up) JiggamaWHA?!
AKIO: Yes, since you're the one the Rose Bride is engaged to, you absolutely must come and celebrate the holiday with us... Actually, I lied; I simply want you to meet my Nana; she's going to be cooking.
UTENA: Satan himself has a grandma?
AKIO: Everyone has a grandmother, dear girl.
ANTHY: Besides, I asked! "Can I bring Utena-sama?" I said? "Oh, she won't come," Nana said, "she's probably going to dinner with her real friends and not a manipulative duo like you two..."
UTENA: (Sweating) Uh, funny you should say that...
ANTHY: But then I started crying and said "no, she won't! I'm her best best friend in the whole wide world!" So Nana said "OK, then ask her," and I said "I don't need to ask her! She'll be there!"
UTENA: (Biting lip) Uh... Anthy...
ANTHY: "I know she'll be there," I said, "because if she didn't come I'd kill myself. A few dozen times."
UTENA: (Droops) Right. OK, then. Can't wait.
ANTHY: (Claps hands) Oh, goody!
AKIO: Splendid. See you for the parade tomorrow. (Takes Anthy and leaves)
UTENA: (Sags as she heads outside for the bus) Ohhh, man... THREE dinner invites? My social links aren't just going to reverse; they'll invert! Ohh, the only thing that would make this worse would be if–
(Just then, Juri pops up next to her)
JURI: Hi, Utena! Say, I've gotta ask you--
UTENA: Aww, no! Juri, PLEASE don't say you're inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner!
JURI: (Confused) Um... no?
UTENA: Oh, thank GOD! (Grabs Juri and smooches her with relief... and gets caught up in a wild burst of electricity and sparks that leaves them both charred and smoking)
JURI: (COUGH) Sorry. Guess I was still carrying a charge.
UTENA: (PHLOAGH) Yeah... So what was it?
JURI: (Dusting herself off) I just wondered if you'd mind if I skipped watching the parade tomorrow... Shiori's pet bird is really sick and she asked me to take care of it while she's away with some Chinese tart.
UTENA: Oh... Yeah, that's OK... Why'd she ask you to take care of it?
JURI: Well, I had the antidote in my cupboard.
UTENA: You know enough about birds to help them get better?
JURI: Naww, I'm the one that poisoned it in the first place. See, it's all part of my scheme to grab some of her old panties. (Shuddering romantic gasp)
UTENA: ...I'm scheduling a nightmare for tonight.
(The next morning, a good deal of the cool Ohtori students [and some of the lame ones too] are gathered on and around the couch in the foyer of Utena's usually-empty dorm, where a big flat-screen TV is broadcasting a parade in a big city)
ANTHY: (Claps hands) Oh, I love parades! The floats! The marching bands! The constant barrage of ads for cotton products!
SAIONJI: Makes you wonder why we don't eat sheep for this holiday.
KOZUE: Hey, why is this called the Tracey's Parade, anyway? They couldn't get real sponsors?
MIKI: I think it's to show respect for Tracey Sketchit, one of the more underappreciated characters on the Pokémon cartoon... you know, back when it was half-assed instead of quarter-assed.
TOUGA: I hear they're making it eighth-assed next season.
MIKI: (Throws up hands) WILL THEY NEVER LEARN?!
SAIONJI: So, who's doing the commentating this year?
UTENA: (Pulls out the TV guide and looks) It's... Oh, no.
(The TV switches to the parade commentators, the verbose Marik Ishtar [Yu-Gi-Oh] and Yolei Inoue [Digimon])
MARIK: Mwa ha ha! Welcome, all of you, mortal and god alike, to the prestigious, sublime and venerable Tracey's Thanksgiving Day parade, right here in the middle of illustrious downtown Detroit! I am the next Pharaoh, Marik Ishtar, here with my lanky co-host with a love for purple equal to my own: Steve. Steve?
YOLEI: My name isn't Steve; it's Yolei. Yeah, it's a decent day for this parade, but I think we could have found a better place for it than Detroit...
(Various gunshots ring out in the background. Aeris [FF7] falls out of a window and lands in the crowd)
YOLEI: ...And we probably should have waited until we got a parade license so we could block off the streets.
(One of the floats, a giant football with googly eyes, gets smashed in from the left by a truck. Loud cussing can be heard from both drivers)
MARIK: Of course, those are things one really can't do much about, and so we have the parade anyway! It's a wonderful holiday, Thanksgiving! It brings me back to all the Thanksgivings I underwent as a tombkeeper stuck under the Egyptian deserts. Egypt, as any anthropologist can tell you, has never had nor ever will have any sort of turkey-like creature, and so my sister and I were forced to celebrate... wait for it... with nothing but sandwiches! Oh ho ho! Yes! Yes! SAND-wiches, ladies and gentlemen!
(Yolei is staring at him blankly)
MARIK: In Egypt, they would be rolling in the aisles, Steve.
YOLEI: ...Anyway, looks like the parade's finally underway. First up is... Oh, well, this should surprise you, Marik; it's a float furnished by Yami Yugi.
MARIK: Ah, yes! The Pharaoh, my arch nemesis who holds the Egyptian God Card, Slyfer the Sky Dragon, who I shall crush with my own Egyptian God Card, the Winged Dragon of Ra! Indeed, he is a worthwhile nemesis and so I shall have nothing but the utmost respect for this display!
(The float is just a platform with a dummy of Marik being burned in effigy and a sign under it reading 'SHUT UP, MARIK'. Yami is standing next to it with a megaphone)
YAMI: Shut up, Marik! Shut UP, Marik! SHUT up, Marik!
MARIK: Err... Yes. It would seem that I have a tendency to run at the mouth in many separate occasions. There are some in the world who don't appreciate my being so blatantly verbose. The Pharaoh, apparently, is one of them. Wouldn't you say so, Steve?
YOLEI: Uh... (Looks at the parade) Oh, look! Here comes the next big thing in our parade: a presentation of pilgrim soldiers, furnished by Shinra, Inc.
(A contingent of faceless men in pilgrim costumes marches down the street, hoisting their shotguns in a military fashion. One soldier on the end, however, seems to have his timing way off; in fact, he keeps bopping the guy in front of him)
SAIONJI: (Squints at the TV screen) What the hell is that soldier doing?!
MIKI: That won't rack up many points. Someone's gonna get fired.
MARIK: Ah, yes. What better way to simultaneously show one's respect for a national holiday and flex one's corporate military muscles at the same time than a platoon of playtime-crushing Puritans! Oh, and look! Coming up right behind them is the Pikachu balloon, furnished by our sponsors at Nintendo!
(The awkward soldier bumps the guy in front of him again and his gun goes off, putting a hole through the Pikachu balloon's throat. It deflates and flops across the whole group, leaving them all thrashing around and stuck)
YOLEI: How profound.
MIKI: Huh... I don't know. That whole deflating balloon gag feels thin. I think it fell kinda flat.
KOZUE: Exactly!
MIKI: (Blinks) Huh...? Oh! OH! I didn't even HEAR that! (High-fives Kozue)
UTENA: Boy, the writer's really harshing on the Pokémon franchise this year, isn't he?
TOUGA: (Absentmindedly strangling Ash Ketchum with one hand) I don't know what you're talking about.
MARIK: Ah, yes, very clever and witty and entertaining, Steve. I wonder what's next on the parade docket? I would announce it myself, but we only got one sheet between the two of us on account of the budgetary restraints put on us by today's economic slump!
YOLEI: (Looks down at an old "Burger King" sack in her hand) Well, Marik, up next is the Rockettes'–
MARIK: What?! The Radio City Rockettes?! That luscious line of ladies whose kicking of their elongated legs have made them the highlight of the Macy's parade for half of the viewing audience since 1957?! We actually were able to persuade them to perform for US this year?! Praise Ra! I'm glad I came here with a surplus of socks today!
(A troupe of nerds and overweight middle-aged men stagger out and start dancing badly to badly-played holiday music, kicking their exposed, hairy, blue-veined legs into the air. The audience erupts in groans and vomit)
MARIK: (Face turning green) AUGH! What in the name of Khufu's pet koalas?! (Turns and wretches offscreen)
YOLEI: As I was SAYING, we have the Rockettes' Fan Club's Michigan branch, doing a tribute to the women they pleasure themselves to when their wives are away. (Looks at the sheet) Oh! Fun fact: they're sponsored by "Hair Club For Men."
MIKI: I'm glad I haven't eaten yet...
ANTHY: Dry heaves are like roller coasters without the up and down!
MARIK: (Leans back in with barf dribbled down his face. The men are still kicking high) In the name of all that is unholy and vengeful, will some random act of the powers that be STOP this?!
(Almost in response to Marik's yell, something happens. Through the miracle of stop-motion, a yellow moped barrels through the dance troupe, sending them flying or smushing them beneath itself.)
YOLEI: We're in luck! It's the moped from FLCL!
MARIK: Ha-ha! This is just like "Bobby's World!" Except yellow! And evil! And minus the OCD driver! Yes! Motor upon that descending stellar body!
YOLEI: ...Did you learn English from King Friday or something?
MARIK: What is next on the list, Steve? Surely there's another entry in this pitiful little parade!
(Yolei swats Marik with her microphone as a giant float of a green-armored robot popping a wheelie on a futuristic motorcycle rounds the corner)
YOLEI: The next thing on here is a float dedicated to the Green Biker Dude... (Eyes bulge) Oh, NO!
MARIK: What? What is so terrifying about a man in green armor riding a motorcycle?
(The float suddenly erupts into flames and spins wildly out of control, sending the crowd screaming. The float veers and heads right for the camera)
YOLEI: THAT!!!
MARIK: I blame Capcom for this as well!!!
(Marik and Yolei knock over the camera while screaming, and then there's ten seconds of static before an image of a clown and a schoolgirl appears.)
ANNOUNCER: The Tracey's Thanksgiving Day Parade will resume after the body count. In the meantime, here's an encore presentation of "Guiltfest; The ThanksTAKING Story."
(The image changes to a bitter-looking old Native American)
NATIVE AMERICAN: White people took everything. Give us money.
(One of Saionji's practice swords goes through the TV screen)
SAIONJI: Well, I think we've had enough of THAT.
MIKI: I don't know how American Indians can think anyone's going to shell out for them with angry pledge drives like that.
ANTHY: (Writing a check and sobbing at the same time) How many zeros will make the pain stop?!
(Everyone gets up and starts funneling out, with Utena standing at the exit. Akio and Anthy go first)
AKIO: Well, we'll see you later, Utena. Right now I have to stop payment on a check.
UTENA: Great! See you at 5! Oh, and please remember... I don't have much of an appetite.
(Akio and Anthy look at her, then erupt with laughter)
AKIO: You almost had me for a minute, there!
ANTHY: Yeah! Not much of an appetite? And how much of your Halloween candy was left on November second?!
(As Akio and Anthy leave chuckling, Miki and Kozue come up behind her)
MIKI: Well, that was fun.
KOZUE: Oh, Utena, I have to tell you: I set a few things wrong in the oven, so...
UTENA: (GULP) So... you're canceling?
KOZUE: (Laughing) Oh, no, no! We just have to eat it a little earlier! Say, 2 o'clock?
UTENA: (Forces a big smile) Yeah... Yeah, that's great!
KOZUE: Great!
MIKI: Yeah, Kozue's really fired up for this. It's the first time she's been allowed to cook anything past "Easy Mac."
UTENA: (Wincing) Awesome! Can't wait!
(Miki and Kozue leave. Touga and Saionji are the last ones coming for the door)
TOUGA: I suppose we could watch the dog show while we're making dinner...
SAIONJI: Ah, hello, Utena. Dinner's at 3, all right?
UTENA: (Flustered) Err, actually, could we, I dunno, have it a little earlier?
TOUGA: Well, I guess... When?
UTENA: In about, I dunno, 5 minutes?
TOUGA: (Grins at Saionji) Ho ho, she's raring to go, Saionji.
SAIONJI: Probably taking all of her strength to hold herself back!
UTENA: Err... Yeah.
TOUGA: Yes, we can do that! (Starts off) Just have to find a way to microwave a whole turkey...
SAIONJI: See you at our dorm in 5 minutes, then. (Follows Touga)
UTENA: (Sags against the door) Oh, man... I wonder if any other cartoon characters have this problem?
(She looks around hopefully, but no other clips happen)
UTENA: God damn it.
(Utena grabs her jacket and starts for the other dorms, muttering to herself)
UTENA: OK, let's try it out... "Just a little for me, thanks..." "No thanks; I'm trying to cut back this year..." "Just one piece of pumpkin pie is fine..." Whew, that last one'll be tough.
(Utena makes her way to Saionji's dorm, where she meets up with Touga and Saionji and sits down at their table)
TOUGA: We're so glad you decided to join us, Utena. We hope the room isn't too unsightly...
UTENA: (Looking around) Wow, it's cleaner than my place!... though this table is kind of wide...
SAIONJI: Yes, I borrowed the ping pong table from the rec room.
UTENA: Well, I guess we're all going to be "served," then, eh?
(Saionji and Touga chuckle weakly)
UTENA: Hey, cut me some slack; I'm usually the straight girl.
(Saionji and Touga burst out laughing)
UTENA: (SIGH) Shoulda seen that coming a mile away.
SAIONJI: Well, we can keep chattering with our mouths half-full! Let me go and get us the meal. (Goes into the kitchenette area)
UTENA: Uh, sure, but just a little turkey and a few veggies for me, OK? Oh, and maybe one biscuit.
SAIONJI: Of course!
TOUGA: I do hope you enjoy this. I know we act like real swine sometimes, but we wanted to show you that we're at least swine who can find our way around a kitchen.
UTENA: I'm sure it'll be just fine... (so long as I don't stuff myself here...)
(Saionji returns from the kitchenette and puts down a large platter of turkey and veggies in front of Utena. There's also a biscuit the size of a quarter-pound hamburger)
UTENA: (Eyes bug) How many veggies IS that?
SAIONJI: (Putting down similar platters for Touga and himself) Sixteen. I know some people mash them up into casseroles, but I believe each one should be savored for what it is, without interference from other foods.
TOUGA: Saionji's one of the best cooks on campus, Utena. Surely you knew that?
UTENA: Um... Gee... Well, I... can't wait. (Nervously takes her fork and jabs at a turkey slice)
(A short while later, Utena is sitting in front of an empty platter, wiping her lips on a napkin and looking full)
UTENA: (URP) Well, that was really something. You cook really well, Saionji... and I'm amazed I sat through this whole meal and neither of you made any sexual innuendos towards me.
TOUGA: See? We can be civil for an undisclosed period of fade-out time.
SAIONJI: (Collecting the platters) Yes, and now it's time for pie!
(Utena opens her mouth to say something)
SAIONJI: PUMPKIN pie.
UTENA: Oh. Right. Well, I'll just have one slice–
(Saionji puts a whole pie down in front of her, then puts two more down; one for Touga and one for himself)
UTENA: Err... One whole pie. For each of us. (Winces) Well, then! (Takes a bite and groans)
TOUGA: What's the matter? Is it burnt?
UTENA: No.... (Sags) It's delicious.
SAIONJI: Oh, how rude of me! I didn't get out the whipped cream!
UTENA: That's really not necessary–
(Saionji drops a big tub down in the middle of the table and plops a big mound on each pie)
SAIONJI: Homemade. (Thinks fast) It's my grandfather's recipe! (Thinks fast again) My grandMOTHER'S recipe!
UTENA: (Grimaces) Great! Can't... wait.
(After a rollicking good time with the boys, Utena stumbles out of their dorm looking full)
UTENA: Oogh... I'm starting to see the flaw in this plan... (Looks down at her watch; it says 1:45) Oh, God! And the Kaoru place is off-campus! (Starts to run, but slows down pretty fast) Ugh... (G'URP) Yeah, THAT'S not happening. (Forces herself to power-walk)
(Miraculously, Utee makes it to the Kaoru's place in time, and we find her seated at the [real] table with Miki and Kozue. Big plates with silver covers are in front of all three of them)
UTENA: So, uh... Wow, Kozue, you really brought out the good tableware for this... Hoping for presentation points?
KOZUE: Yeah, but don't tell the folks. This was a wedding present, and after what happened to the Ming vase, they won't let me touch the rest of it.
UTENA: What happened? Did you break it?
MIKI: Not exactly. You see, one summer at music camp, she–
KOZUE: (Cutting Miki off) Good bread, good meat, good God, let's eat!
(Kozue lifts up the covers and Utena sees they all have a large, exquisite-looking pasta and calamari dish)
UTENA: (Surprised) Wow, that's new! Trying something instead of turkey, Koz?
KOZUE: Well, not as the entree, silly!
UTENA: (Looks down) You mean... this... FAMILY-SIZE Mediterranean munchfest is just a starter?
MIKI: Oh, yeah! Perfect to get our appetites whetted, eh?
UTENA: (Forces a smile) ...Yeah. Just... perfect.
(After the entree)
UTENA: (Putting down her fork and dabbing at her face with a napkin, wincing like it hurts) Whoo! Wuh... wonderful, Kozue. I don't think I'll be able to get much turkey down after that.
KOZUE: Oh, you won't be having any turkey, Utena.
UTENA: (Looks hopeful) What?
(Just then, Miki sets a sushi platter in front of her, complete with chopsticks and dipping sauces, and puts the same down for Kozue and himself)
KOZUE: Not until after the fish course, anyway. I just wanted to bring our own cultural delicacies into the holiday, too!
UTENA: (Bares all her teeth in a "smile") Great! A whole... sushi platter. This is going to be a Thanksgiving to remember... Oh, boy, is it.
(Utena manages to choke down the whole tray. Miki and Kozue look fine, but she's starting to get pale)
UTENA: (Ugh... This would be a form of torture if it wasn't so good...)
KOZUE: Ho! And now... (Zips to the kitchen, brings out a 30-pound bird and plops it down on the table) the TURKEY! You've been talking about it the whole time, Utena; dig in!
UTENA: (Hairs pop loose on her head) Have I?...
(A good forty-five minutes later, that turkey is nothing but a pile of bones. Kozue and Miki are cracking jokes at each other, but Utena's face has turned lime green and her belly is noticeably swollen)
MIKI: Oh! I heard a good one at fencing the other day: what do you get when you hit a pigeon with a lawnmower?
KOZUE: I don't know! What?
MIKI: Shredded Tweet!
KOZUE: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH HA HA HA HAAAA!!! (Bangs her hand on the table) Oh, man! Oh, man oh man oh man! I've gotta remember that one for my next "Sluts Anonymous" meeting! Wasn't that great, Utee?
UTENA: (GURGLE)
KOZUE: (Eyes narrow and a crafty grin covers her mouth) Utena... would you like another biscuit?
UTENA: Oogh... No thanks. I'm totally full.
KOZUE: HAH! YES! I WIN AGAIN! (Claps her hands in victory. Miki looks a bit downcast)
UTENA: ...What?
KOZUE: Oh, it's nothing. Every Thanksgiving, Miki and I have this bet: he bets that a guest can eat more biscuits than I can. And every year, he's lost!
MIKI: (Droopy) Yeah. That's the one thing she's always beaten me at. Nixing the music and the sports and the academic prowess, I guess this makes her a better person than I'll ever be.
UTENA: Man, what's your ego made out of? Glass?
MIKI: No, crepe paper. The psychiatrist said so.
KOZUE: Heh! I gotta say, you had me worried for a second, Utee, but if you're full, well! In your FACE, big brother! (Blows a raspberry; Miki slumps in his chair)
UTENA: (Oogh... I certainly AM full... but sad guys with blue hair make me depressed... Ohh, I'm gonna regret this.) Just a second, Koz... (Grabs one of the biscuit baskets) Maybe I'm NOT that full.
KOZUE: (Eyes narrow) Oh, yeah? (Grabs the other biscuit basket) Miki! Get the music!
(Miki pulls out an iPod, sets it on the highest volume and puts it on the table. Kozue's battle theme from the Utena cartoon starts playing)
MIKI: OK, you two! Make Poppinfresh proud!
(Utena and Kozue attack their biscuit baskets, scarfing down as much of the stodge as they can. Miki watches in anticipation as the biscuits disappear, until there's one left in each basket. Kozue hesitates... then sinks back in her chair)
KOZUE: (Spitting biscuit flakes) Hohhhh!!! I'm through!
MIKI: This is it, Utena! Eat those last two biscuits and we win!
(Utena picks up one biscuit, shows it to both of them, and crams it into her stuffed maw. She chews it for at least thirty seconds, then swallows. She picks up the last biscuit and her hair visibly wilts as she looks it over... but after fifteen seconds of hesitation, she shoves it into her mouth. She chews it for a whole minute... then swallows. Something comes back up, but she swallows again and it stays down.)
UTENA: (Weakly raises her arms) Phhhaugh.
MIKI: WINNER! (Holds out his hand to Utena) Put it there, champ!
(Utena stands up to slap Miki's palm and the chair comes with her)
MIKI: Whoops! Sorry, Utee; that chair never seems to want to let go. Ask Aunt Yukari; she can never get out of it after Thanksgiving dinner either... or Christmas. Or Easter. Huh. (Grabs the shovel from the fireplace and pries the chair loose)
UTENA: Whew... Well, now that I'm up, maybe I should call it a day...
KOZUE: What? No way! Miki, go get the grand prize!
(Miki disappears and comes back with an extra-large pie)
UTENA: (Eyes start watering) Pumpkin pie?!
KOZUE: Pumpkin cheesecake! It's my piéce de résistance!
UTENA: (GURGLE) I don't suppose you two would like to share it with me?...
(4:45 finds Utena crawling back into campus on her hands and knees, her gut bulging like she's carrying a baby)
UTENA: (URGH) If I ever meet Martha Stewart... (OOGH) I'm strangling her with my bare hands... (GUH) and shoving cranberries into every hole I can get at!... Say, what's going on up there?
(A troupe of nerds and geek-looking boys line the street, like they're waiting for her)
NERD: Look! This's an inflation fanfic!
GEEK: Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes! Yes! YES!!!
DWEEB: Guhhh... I love Thanksgiving stories!
UTENA: Hey, what're you all–(Eye bulge) AWWW!!! Fat fetishists! YUCK!!! (Scampers for the school gates, trying to avoid looking at what's happening behind her)
NERD: Whew... That was fun!
GEEK: Now what?
DWEEB: Back to DeviantArt!
(The nerds move off. Utena sags and sighs with relief)
UTENA: Man... That was about as bad as what happened when Kaa caught me on my vacation in India.
(Cut to a jungle scene, where a massive boa constrictor has Utena snared in his coils and dangling from a tree, her mouth curled into a lazy smile and her eyes flashing in colorful rings. A gaggle of nerds surround the tree and the snake looks confused.)
KAA: Ssssooo... Let me get this ssstraight... NONE of you are actually here to ssave her?
NERD: Nope! Just carry on!
KAA: ...I must sssay, this is rather off-putting.
TOUGA: (Wearing a fake moustache and big glasses) Just keep making with the rainbow eyes! I'm not finished yet!
JURI: (Also wearing a fake moustache and big glasses) Yeah!
(Back to the present)
UTENA: Ugh. Well, at least it's just Anthy and Akio's next... on the top floor of...
(Hesitates, then looks up at the Chairman's Tower. Her lower lip starts trembling)
(A little while later, Utena is staggering into the Ohtori dining room, gasping for air and leaning on Akio)
AKIO: I do apologize, Utena. The elevator just broke this morning, and, well, good luck finding a repairman on a holiday.
UTENA: It's only a holiday in America! We're in Japan!
AKIO: I'm also lazy. Please, sit down... You don't look very well at all.
UTENA: (Plops down in a wooden chair at the dining table) I'm OK... I'm just–
(The chair's legs break and she tumbles to the floor)
AKIO: Hmm. The termites are getting bolder this year.
UTENA: Guooo... (Stomach groans)
AKIO: Oh, dear. You must be faint from lack of food. Here, sit, please.
(As Utena drags herself to a metal chair, Akio disappears and comes back with an old dark-skinned woman with silvery lavender hair, thick glasses and a scarlet red cooking apron. She looks perpetually muddled)
AKIO: Utena, this is my Nana: Nana Lillith.
UTENA: (Wow, that clears up a lot...) (Gets up to shake her hand) Oh! Mrs. Ohtori! It's, uh, great to meet you! I've heard so much about you!
NANA OHTORI: (Raises an eyebrow) Have you?
UTENA: Yeah!
NANA OHTORI: Have you?
UTENA: (Blinks) ...Yeah?
NANA OHTORI: Oh, you have, have you?
UTENA: Err... Yes. (Hoo, boy...)
(Just then, Anthy walks in wearing a green bowler and a shamrock pin on her blouse, and she's also carrying a set of bagpipes)
UTENA: Hi, Anthy.
ANTHY: Hi, Utena-sama! I'm so, so happy you came! C'mon, let's do a jig! (Starts playing "Scotland The Brave" on the bagpipes)
UTENA: ...I have no idea what she's doing and I don't think I ever will.
AKIO: Good plan. I've been trying to figure it out for centuries. Come now, Anthy. Sit down or we'll never eat.
UTENA: Heh heh... That's OK, really; I'm not all that hungry.
(Akio and Anthy laugh hard)
AKIO: Oh, you're always such a ham, Utena!
UTENA: (Goes green) Please don't say "ham..."
(Nana Ohtori wanders into the kitchen while Utena sits back down)
AKIO: So, Utena, I'll invite you to guess what Nana's cooked up.
UTENA: (Feeling sick just thinking about it) Let's see... A big turkey with biscuits, gravy and stuffing?
ANTHY: Oh ho ho! No, silly! Not for St. Patrick's Day!
AKIO: It's Thanksgiving, Anthy.
ANTHY: (Surprised) No way! Then why am I wearing the hat and playing the bagpipes?
AKIO: I've been meaning to ask you that since we got home.
(Just then, a little winged white cat thing flutters up outside the window)
NALL: (Addressing the reader) Just so you all know, bagpipes are a SCOTTISH instrument, whereas St. Patrick's Day is an AMERICAN holiday to celebrate IRISH heritage. So Anthy's really screwed this one up.
UTENA: What else is new? (Looks at Akio) Does he show up often?
AKIO: Every so often. He'll go away once he realizes he can't get in.
NALL: Gravy boat! DIIIIVE!!! (Flies in, hits the window glass and tumbles away)
AKIO: (Shakes head with amusement) Stupid dragon.
(Just then, Nana Ohtori comes back with a turkey bigger than the one Miki and Kozue had. Utena swallows)
UTENA: Err... Uh... I've heard good things about your cooking, Nana Ohtori.
NANA OHTORI: Have you?
UTENA: Uh-huh.
NANA OHTORI: Have you?
UTENA: ...Yup.
NANA OHTORI: Oh, you have, have you?
UTENA: (Forces a smile) OK! Let's get this thing started!
(Akio, Anthy and Nana Ohtori sit down)
UTENA: Say, before we start, can I tell you all a story? It's about a nice, kindhearted girl in high school... with pink hair.
ANTHY: Ooh! Like you, Utena-sama!
UTENA: Yeah, and because she was trying to be nice to all her friends, she ended up agreeing to have three different Thanksgiving dinners.
ANTHY: (Laughing) Oh, that's a hoot!
AKIO: I could've sworn I've heard a story like this before... but it was about dates on Valentine's Day.
ANTHY: (Still laughing) That was YOU, big brother!
AKIO: Ah, yes. And I managed to pull it all off. With very... satisfying results on all fronts.
UTENA: (Face getting greener) Well, ANYWAY... She got through the first meal, and that was OK... but through the second meal, she was barely keeping it all down... so by the time she got to the last house, well, she was totally stuffed!
NANA OHTORI: Was she?
UTENA: Yes.
NANA OHTORI: Was she?
UTENA: ...Yes.
NANA OHTORI: Oh, she was, was she?
UTENA: (Annoyed) YES! She couldn't eat another bite because she was sure if she did, she'd explode like a big, pussy zit on a 13-year-old on picture day!
AKIO: Hmm. I suppose the thought of one more piece of turkey would make her positively nauseated. (Looks at reader) That's the correct way to say it. "Nauseated," not "nauseous." Say it with me. "Nau-se-a-ted."
UTENA: (URP) Yeah... But because the third place was where the girl's absolute, ultimate, best, best friend in the whole wide world lived... who was also a Rose Bride...
ANTHY: Ooh! That's like me, Utena-sama!
AKIO: (Surprised) There's another one? Must be my cousin Lucifer's sister.
UTENA: Yeah! So, the girl decided to tell her best, best friend all about the three meals, because she knew her best, best, best friend would understand and say "hey, you don't need to eat all this! Just have a cup of tea or something; take a load off!" (Looks at Anthy hopefully)
ANTHY: (Smile gone) Oh, that's where I'd be totally different, Utena-sama.
AKIO/NANA OHTORI: (Shaking their heads) Ohhh, no.
UTENA: (Blinks) What?
ANTHY: No... See, 'cuz if she was my best, best friend, and we cooked a great big meal for her like this and it turned out she'd already eaten not once, but TWICE... Well, I'd just cry and cry!
AKIO: (Nods) Yes, that would be absolutely disgraceful behavior. I'd have her thrown out of school without any transferable credits for treating a Rose Bride so despicably.
ANTHY: And I'd be scarred for the rest of life by this dreadful tale of deceit and betrayal.
NANA OHTORI: Would you?
ANTHY: Yeah.
NANA OHTORI: Would you?
ANTHY: Oh, yes.
NANA OHTORI: Oh, you would, would you?
ANTHY: Ohhh, yes! (SNIFFLE)
(Awkward silence as everyone looks at Utena)
UTENA: (Defeated) ...Let's eat.
ANTHY: Yay! Corned beef and cabbage always make me sound off!
AKIO: It's Thanksgiving, dear. Please, Utena, help yourself. Nana cooked a spectacular meal.
UTENA: Oh, yeah? (Picks up a plate of slimy-looking hunks) And these are...?
NANA OHTORI: Stuffins!
UTENA: (Looks again) Stuffing?
ANTHY: Yeah! It came with the turkey! I made it!
UTENA: (Emerald green) So... stuffing of the "giblet" variety, then...
(After yet another huge meal, Utena stands by the door, her throbbing gut hanging out of her uniform)
UTENA: Well, that was... (URP)... great. Thanks for having me! Oh, and that was a very interesting dinner conversation, Nana Ohtori.
NANA OHTORI: Was it?
UTENA: Uh... yup. And Anthy, you've got things all straightened out now, right?
ANTHY: Yep! A bagpipe is a SCOTTISH instrument, not an IRISH one!
AKIO/ANTHY/NANA OHTORI: Now we know!
UTENA: And knowing is half the battle!
(Patriotic music flourish)
ANTHY: I'm just sorry I didn't get you a Christmas present, Utena-sama! Next year I will; I promise!
UTENA: ...Yeah. OK, I've gotta go... get home. Somehow. See you guys on Monday. (Staggers out the door)
NANA OHTORI: (Looks at Akio and Anthy) Who was that, then?
(Through the miracle of stop-motion, the yellow moped scoots itself by Utena's dorm... with Utena sagged in its driver's seat)
UTENA: (Falls off onto the pavement) Thanks for the lift, buddy.
MOPED: Meep meep! (Scoots off)
(Utena crawls back to the door and opens it, teetering on her feet for a moment)
UTENA: Aaaaand turkey coma. (Falls flat on her face)
(Just then, Juri peeks in)
JURI: Hi, Utena! Uh... can I talk to you for a second?
UTENA: (Not looking up) Go ahead. I'm listening.
JURI: Well, back at Foster's yesterday, you asked if I was going to invite you to Thanksgiving dinner, and I said no, and then you frenched me.
UTENA: ...Did I?
JURI: Um, yes, and then we both blew up. Anyway, now I've realized it; that was your subtle way of angling for an invite!
UTENA: (GURGLE) Don't think it was...
JURI: And I missed it because I was so wrapped up thinking about Shiori's tweeter... Oops! I made a Freudian slip!
UTENA: I don't think so... It's just some kind of electronics thing.
JURI: No, I bet it's dirty. Sounds dirty... Anyway, now I'm asking you: would you like to come have Thanksgiving dinner with me?
UTENA: (Pulling herself up) Ohhhh... Well, you see, Juri... I, uh...
JURI: (Twiddling her thumbs) It's just that, well, you're alone, and I'm alone, and it's not like I watched the "Utena" movie and got ideas or anything, but it would be kinda nice to hear a human voice on holidays like this... since I've spent most of them alone since my Uncle Junpei died and I had to stay at school instead of going home because they disowned me when I came out in first grade...
UTENA: Juri, uh–
JURI: I mean, you don't HAVE to come, because I know I make most folks miserable... though I have got a lot of love in this heart of mine, as any of my fencing club team or my adult DVD collection could tell you.
UTENA: (URK) Too much information, Juri.
JURI: (Looks hopeful) So, what do you say, Utena? Grace me with some Thanksgiving company for the first time since 1987... (looks somber) or reject me, just like I've been rejected every day by everyone I've ever known? What do you say?
UTENA: (Sags) Vuoooo... "Yum yum in my tum."
(Utena slowly follows Juri to her dorm room, which is half a fencing studio and half a mess)
UTENA: Whew! Walking that far... sure made me hot... (Peels off her jacket and looks around for a coat rack)
JURI: Oh, allow me. (Takes the jacket and just tosses it on the floor) I hope you're not too hungry... I know you're supposed to have a big spread on Thanksgiving, but I'm not a cook, so I haven't made one.
UTENA: (Brightens up) That's the nicest thing I've heard all day!
(Juri leads Utena to the main part of the room, where there's a table full of take-out Chinese boxes, Burger King bags and KFC buckets.)
JURI: And that's why I'm glad for 24-hour, minimum-wage fast food joints! (Laughs)
UTENA: (Laughs weakly) Oh, you... Boy... That's a lot of fatty, greasy... (URK) food for just the two of us...
JURI: Oh, I'm not eating; getting zapped last night made my indigestion kick up... but I'll get just as much fun out watching you eat! Oh, especially this special little thing I picked up at Pizza Shack!
(Juri pulls out a pizza box and opens it. Utena's face goes puke green)
UTENA: Wha... Wha... Is that...?!
JURI: Thanksgiving pizza! Turkey, biscuits, stuffing, gravy, candied yams and pumpkin pie, all baked into one convenient masterpiece! Oh, and also cheese. Can't do pizza without cheese, can you?
UTENA: (Licks her lips feebly) Can't... wait...
(Some time later, Utena leans heavily on Juri as they plod back towards her dorm. Utena looks like she's about to give birth to a hippo)
JURI: Wow. Uh... Maybe I should've left out the barbecue ribs.
UTENA: Just keep moving until we get back... (Looks up) Oh, no.
JURI: What? (Looks up. The nerds from earlier have surrounded them)
NERD: Hooray! Encore performance!
DWEEB: And she's four times as big now!
GEEK: This's the best Thanksgiving ever!
(Both Juri and Utena's eyes bug out as the nerds start... what it is that they're doing)
UTENA: Somebody just kill me now...
JURI: THIS is what I've been missing out on? Kinky.
(Some time around 9, Utena is back on the couch in her dorm, clad in her blue pajamas and staring at the TV. Amazingly, her belly isn't bursting through the fabric)
UTENA: Man... am I glad these pajamas are 100% elastic... but it's gonna take 38 more episodes to work off all this... (Bangs arm on the coffee table) For the love of God, why can't they all leave me alone?! God, I almost wish I was in Frankie's shoes today...
(Cut to Foster's, which is completely burned to the ground. Frankie, charred black herself, is sitting on what's left of the porch while the imaginary friends toss the still-frozen turkeys around like volleyballs)
FRANKIE: No... you don't.
(Back to Utena)
UTENA: OK, then, I don't. Vuoo... The next time someone invites me to Thanksgiving dinner, I'm going to say "thanks very much, but I'd rather have three hours of sex with Emil Castagnier; two minutes of sex and then two hours fifty-eight minutes of him saying he's sorry."
(Just then, there's a knock at the door)
UTENA: Hoo boy. Loading torpedo... launch. (Rolls off of the couch and crawls to the door; it's Anthy)
ANTHY: Hi, Utena-sama! I thought you might be kinda lonely...
UTENA: Well, not really... but I think you'll be more enjoyable than Lucy. I swear, if someone ever pulled a football out from under me, they're dead. I don't care if it's a joke; they're f***in' dead.
(As Anthy hangs up her coat, Utena staggers back to the lobby and turns off the TV)
UTENA: Have a good day?
ANTHY: Oh, yes, yes, yes! Best Thanksgiving we've ever had! We were just sitting around after dinner, and I said I'd never had a better Thanksgiving, and Nana said "haven't you?" and I said "no," and then she said "haven't you?" and I said–
UTENA: Yeah... Your Nana's quite a talker, huh.
ANTHY: Anyway, then I thought it was really nice to be with my family... and then I thought "there's Utena... Things have been really fun in school since she showed up."
UTENA: Really? Aww, thanks, Anthy.
ANTHY: And then I thought of you, all alone in this cold, quiet dorm tonight, so I figured...
(There's another knock at the door)
UTENA: (Forcing herself up) Oogh... Who could that be? If it's another nerd, I'm gonna–
(She opens the door. Touga, Saionji, Kozue, Miki, Akio, Nana Ohtori and Juri are all standing outside)
ALL: HI, UTEE!
UTENA: (Forces a smile) Oh, hey guys. C'mon in, I guess.
(Everyone files in)
TOUGA: We just came to thank you, Utena, for sharing the holiday with us.
UTENA: (Sweatdrops and looks at the other people she went to dinner with) Uh... Right! That's... uh... (Sags) Oh, I'm gonna get my ass kicked, aren't I.
JURI: Aww, buck up, Utee!
KOZUE: Yeah. We're sorry about the whole dinner mess. We had no idea you'd been triple-booked!
UTENA: What? My bulging gut wasn't a big enough clue?
MIKI: Wow, it IS big, isn't it? Funny how you can pull it off without anyone noticing!
UTENA: Yeah... One more reason I'm glad I'm a cartoon.
SAIONJI: Anyway, we all came over to check up on you... (Holds up some DVD cases) Oh, and also to start our marathon of awful Christmas specials. Gotta get some ideas for our own, you know!
UTENA: Well, I'm game for that! I'd love to just sit and stare at a screen for a few hours.
AKIO: And don't worry about snacks, Utena. Between Nana and Kozue, we have plenty of...
NANA OHTORI/KOZUE: (Hold up tupperware) TURKEY SANDWICHES!
JURI: Yeah! They're put together in biscuits! See, some of 'em have cranberry jelly, some of them have gravy... They were at it since you left.
UTENA: Ooh... Well, you guys go ahead on those... I think if have anything more, I'm gonna explode.
KOZUE: Oh, please try just one, Utena. We worked really hard on 'em!
NANA OHTORI: Did we?
KOZUE: Yes!
NANA OHTORI: Did we?
KOZUE: YES!
NANA OHTORI: Oh, we did, did we?
KOZUE: GARGLEFLARGLEBARGLEDUMMMMS!
UTENA: (Laughs) Well, after a made-up cuss like that, how can I refuse? I guess it wouldn't hurt...
(Utena takes a sandwich and takes a bite out of it. Suddenly her whole body shudders with a stomach groan, and her belly starts to shake on its own)
ANTHY: Uh-oh...
JURI: Oh, no! She was right! It's the "Yoshi's Island" commercial all over again!
UTENA: (Crossing her legs) No... Different kind of explosion! EXCUSE ME! (Zips away)
(As midnight comes around, we find everybody in the dorm lobby laughing at the crummy old claymation specials, drinking random iced drinks... everyone, that is, but Utena)
SAIONJI: Now, here's something to think about; how come the characters are made of colored clay, but the backgrounds and little equipment stuff is all purple clay? I mean, how cheap is that?
MIKI: Well, be fair; they were used to doing it in black and white. This was probably top quality stuff back in the day...
ANTHY: (Looks at the clock) Oh! Midnight! That means it's time to go down to Wal-Mart and trample some greeters, then draw blood over stupid kid toys! Can we, big brother? Can we?
AKIO: Oh, if you really want to, dear sister... but first... (Stands up and raises his glass) A toast to one of the kindest souls on this earth: Utena Tenjou.
EVERYONE: (Turn toward the bathroom and raise glasses) HEAR, HEAR!
AKIO: ...And let us hope she recovers quickly from the biggest indigestion attack on record.
UTENA: (Inside the bathroom amidst really nasty noises) Thanks, guys... Ugh... I should be just fine... Oogh... by Christmas.
ANTHY: Goodie! While we're running from tear gas and riot police, we'll get you a chocolate advent calendar!
UTENA: (Very rude noise) PLEASE don't say "chocolate..."
MIKI: Hey, we did that gag already!
JURI: Must mean we've run out of material. (Waves at the readers) Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
THE END
CAST
Revolutionary Girl Utena
Utena Tenjou
Anthy Himemiya
Miki Kaoru
Juri Arisugawa
Touga Kiryuu
Nanami Kiryuu
Kiyouichi Saionji
Tsuwabuki Mitsuru
Kozue Kaoru
Akio Ohtori
Lillith Ohtori
Digimon
Yolei Inoue
Final Fantasy
Aeris Gainsborough
FLCL
That yellow moped
Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends
Cheese
Frankie Foster
Mac
Mr. Herriman
Jungle Book
Kaa
Lunar
Nall
Pokémon
Ash Ketchum
Sesame Street
Cookie Monster
Yu-Gi-Oh!
Marik Ishtar
Yami
HAPPY THANKSGIVING 2009!
