It was the saddest moment of my life.
I wasn’t even crying. I hadn’t cried at all. What a strange realization. She was my best friend and I wasn’t even crying for her. What kind of friend of was I? No, it wasn’t that I was a bad friend, or even soulless, it was that this was just so unreal. Like a nightmare, a nightmare following back in time.
I was expecting this be some kind of prank. She couldn’t just be gone.
I had only gotten back from vacation yesterday and then this … We were supposed to go see Wicked tonight to celebrate her full ride scholarship. We were supposed to be laughing, and joking, but here I was … alone.
Her mom was up at the podium reminiscing through her tears and pain. She was always a strong woman, even when her husband left them. A podium …
Why were they even in a church? She hadn’t even conformed to any religion. Sure, she believed in God, and knew that we couldn’t be alone out here in the universe, but that was it. She was more annoyed by people who believed their religion was ‘right’ then she was by people always pushing chores onto her.
If she were here …
But she wasn’t.
She couldn’t complain to anyone about where they were holding her funeral. She couldn’t yell about how her mom was embarrassing her, or that this whole event was unnecessary. She couldn’t do any of that …
She couldn’t …
I burst into tears.
I would never again get to sit by her and laugh at the TV.
I would never again get to call her up in the middle of the night just to talk.
I would never again get to have lunch with her again.
I would never again get to have a movie marathon.
My boyfriend wrapped his arms around me, and hugged me, as I finally let my tears fall.
Why did this have to happen to her!? To her of all people! Why?
Why was God so cruel?
It was the most shocking moment of my life.
“We’ve found your daughter,” the detective told me, gravely.
Found? What did ‘found’ mean? They located her, that’s what ‘found’ meant, but if they found her … no, I couldn’t think like that. “Where is she? Is she okay?” I asked.
So foolishly hopeful.
“I sorry, ma’am,” he apologized, “I’m afraid there was an accident.”
Everything fell away. An accident? My daughter? My carefully, cautious, slightly paranoid little girl? Accident? She couldn’t get into an accident. Not her. She was … “What?” I took a step away from the door. “Is she okay?”
“I’m very sorry that I have to tell you this but … she’s dead.”
I heard myself laughing. It was a joke. This wasn’t a detective, this was one her friends playing an evil prank. It was nothing but a prank. April’s fools! Right? RIGHT? “Are you sure it’s her?”
The detective nodded. “She had her ID on her. I’m very sorry for your loss.”
Oh God … I had to sit down. I couldn’t think, could barely even breathe. My little girl? Dead? The detective was saying something about going down to claim the body. It wasn’t a body! It was my little girl, she’d always be my little girl!
This wasn’t how her life was supposed to go. She was supposed to go to college, she had even planned to get her Graduate Degree. She wanted to teach history to high school seniors, only a senior herself, she had known it already. Her full ride scholarship was supposed to help her with that dream. Her best friend was supposed to be coming back to town to go see Wicked and celebrate with her.
God, this couldn’t be happening.
Not her too, God, why her, too?
The detective was explaining what happened, as if it could help me. It was just an accident, he kept repeated. No one was at fault, she couldn’t have known, et cetera, et cetera. I heard the story he told me. I could hear it, and I knew it, but reading it in the newspaper the next day was …
My dream that it wasn’t true, that it was in fact a dream, was crushed, everything rushed in on itself and became real. I was all alone.
I had been left alone.
God, why her!?
Why did you take her!?
It was the scariest moment of my life.
For some reason I never really think about it getting cold until it actually gets cold and the lake freezes over. I should have worn a heavier jacket, but I was just too damn stubborn, claiming the cold didn’t bother me because I relatives in Alaska.
It was freezing, and I was going to turn blue if I didn’t to my soon. There was a large cracking sound, and curiously looked over, to see someone carefully walking on the ice trying to get something that the wind probably blew there. I continued onto my car, not really thinking about it, until I heard a splash.
I turned back to the lake to find the person missing and part of the ice broken up.
I hopped the short wooden fence, and raced down to the lake, trying to take out my cell phone at the same time. Ambulance! I needed an Ambulance! I hurriedly got to the ice, and carefully went out close to where the ice broke. This was stupid! This was stupid!
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asked.
“Someone fell through the ice over Clover Lake. Send an ambulance!” I slipped nearly, losing my balance. I regained it, but my phone slipped out of my numb hand and slid out close to where the ice broke.
I got on my knees and started, desperately shoving the snow away. Where were they!? Where were they!? I couldn’t simply dive in after them; I had to know where they were!
I never found her. Hadn’t even known it was a ‘her’ until they sent a diver in, and pulled her out. When they asked me why she was out on the ice I said she was going after something, they held up a scarf.
She had died because of scarf.
What kind of reason was that!?
I felt like a retard sitting on the back of the ambulance I had called for her with a blanket around my shoulders. Maybe if I had dove in right after her, I would have found her, and pulled her out, and she would have been fine.
The paramedic of course argued that we probably both would have drowned.
But I’ll never know.
He’ll never know, and she’ll definitely never know.
It was the last moment of my life.
I was walking to my car from school. I always park two blocks away because I like to walk by the lake and look over the water. It was frozen this time of year, but it was still beautiful. Beautiful and still, and reminded me of the arctic. I always wanted to paint such a scenery, but would never be able to, because I never really had the talent for that.
Still, it was beautiful. Not in a rush to get home, I hopped the small wooden fence that was put up for looks and not really to keep anyone else, and went down the shore. A shivered against the wind as I watched the sun continue its decent into the horizon to become someone else’s morning.
I was going to go see Wicked with my best friend later that week, and couldn’t wait to see it again. I had seen it once in New York with my Drama Club, but I so desperately wanted to see it again. Especially now that I had a full scholarship to the college I wanted to go to, and if it so happened to be the exact same one my best friend was going to, so be it.
The wind blew again, forcing my scarf out onto the ice.
I looked out at the ice, not really wanting to go out there, but the scarf was a gift from my best friend. It was a birthday gift, and I had just gotten it, and if she knew I abandoned it, she’d make such a big deal out of it. I began to tread carefully over the thin sheet of ice.
Relieved it was holding my weight, I walked more quickly, and stopped immediately when I heard a cracking sound. This was bad. It was a bad idea. Should have left the scarf, should haven’t gotten a stick or something.
Another foot out, I was so close to the scarf, so very close–
The ice gave, and I crashed into the icy water beneath. Panicked, I kicked widely within the water. No! I didn’t want to die.
Oh God! Come on!
I lifted my hands over my head, looking for the hole I had fallen through, but I couldn’t find it! No! I hit against the ice, but it was so cold, and my clothes were dragging me down.
I didn’t want to die.
I thought about it a lot, and I hadn’t known if I had wanted to live before, but now, now, I wanted to live! Let me live! I couldn’t hold my breath any longer. I didn’t want to die! Why?
Why what had I don’t to deserve this?
No, I hadn’t done anything.
Nothing really death worthy.
It was just an accident …
I’m sorry I went after that scarf.
I should have just let it go, but she had looked so happy seeing me open it, and it was the first gift she had ever given me.
I don’t want to go, but I don’t think I’ll be able to find a way out of this.
I’m sorry, mom, I watch over you.