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"Stop" by Siruru


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stop
i'm so tired of playing this game.

You really did not understand why you did it to begin with. It is a spur of the moment sort of thing. The hormones in your body are simply calling out to the teenager sleeping in front of you and you simply cannot leave without trying it. You walk over to him and look at him for a moment, knowing that you would never give Haru the satisfaction of verifying her suspicions about your crush towards a certain teenager. He does not seem like the right type to fall in love with: rude, loud, and rough around the edges. Yet, there is a darker aspect to your constant denial that you never want to end up like her. You know well enough that falling in love and marrying would only end up hurting, just like it had with your mother who had grown into a crying and despondent person after your father had left. Love is only meant to hurt people, but this is a simple teenaged fascination, so you go along with that delusion. It does not last long, as you place your lips over his. However, that is long enough for you to feel a tiny spark of electricity that makes you pull back. You feel your blood boil, as a bright shade of red slowly over takes your face and the sudden confusion and dizziness that comes with the kiss makes you get up and quickly run out of the Sawada's living room. You are unaware of a certain silver-haired bomber waking up to the something being placed on top of his lips. His green eyes widen over the incident as they glance on where you had just been. His face is a bright red, as he pushes back his hair in a rather agitated matter in order to calm himself down.

"What the hell was that?"



Age 16.
It takes him a couple of weeks to understand what had happened, another six months to realize the slow change of his feelings towards you and finally a whole year you to confront you about it, and maybe reveal his true feelings in the process. He takes you up to the school roof, but does not say anything for a while. You watch him from your place near the door, looking at him like some cornered animal. He starts talking and then you realize that he knows what happened a year ago. You stop looking at him, towards anything else –at the sky, the fence, or the floor– that is not him or those pretty green eyes of his. However, he puts an end to that as he places his hands on either side of your head, his body blocking any possible escape, while he tells you to look at him. When you finally do, he captures your lips with his own and it is so god damn hard not to feel something stir up inside you again. Your hands clutch unto his unbuttoned collar, as he grabs your head and pulls you closer to him. It lasts a few minutes and the two of you only break apart due the need of oxygen, you are blushing as he gives you a rare smile that sends your heart racing. However, it quickly freezes once he asks you that dreaded question because somewhere in the back of your head, the fear you have towards commitment is greater than any feelings you may have for him. So, your mouth unhinges itself without a second thought to let out any excuse you can think of to make it seem that dating him would be a bad choice, but you know they are all lies. His eyes turn dark and by the end of your little tirade he has distanced himself from you, cursing under his breath as he walks away and closes the metal door with a loud crashing noise. You just stand there, staring at the sky with your lips still warm from the kiss, but everything else is numb and ice cold.

"So, Gokudera finally has a girlfriend?"

"Awwww!"

It is a week after the incident when you hear those words being spoken by some classmates and you try to ignore the the sound of your own heart breaking.

Age 18.
Two years and numerous girlfriends later during winter break is when your mother decides to kick you out of your small apartment in order to live with the man that she is currently dating. It is raining and you are sitting in a local bus stop with a duffel bag full of clothes and very little money when he sees you by accident. It is a little awkward since after the incident the two of you hardly talk anymore, merely becoming friends by association. He glares at you, as you cannot help but notice that he looks pretty good being drenched by the rain. You expect him to you leave alone there, probably call Haru or Kyoko about your situation since you don't have a cellphone anymore, but instead he walks straight up to you, asking what the hell you are doing in the rain. You tell him the truth and he stands there for a while. The silence bothers you, as you bite your lower lip, only to be surprised that he picks up your bag and grabs your wrist roughly. He tells you not to ask any questions and within a few minutes the both of you are soaking wet and standing in front of a familiar apartment building. A few flights of stairs later, you are in a medium-sized apartment with Gokudera telling you to take a shower so you won't catch a cold. You stand there dumbstruck before he yells and throws your bag at you. He points to the general direction of where the bathroom is and within fifteen minutes, you are out only for him to go in right after you. You walk into the small kitchen with your stomach grumbling since you had not eaten anything since the afternoon. You slowly find yourself looking through his cabinets and refrigerator for something edible to eat and find different little things which you somehow make a small meal for two. Once Gokudera comes out of the bathroom with a towel on his head, you are already set up on the couch with different plates surrounding you. He stares at you for a moment –a small smile on his face for an instant– before sitting next to you and picking up different things to eat as well. The meal is mostly silent until by the end you ask for something that surprises him.

"Do you have anything hard to drink?"

It takes him a few moments to process the question and he wonders when you started drinking, especially since neither of you are the legal age yet. Yet, the haggard look on your face tells him a drink is something that you probably need at the moment. He gets up and opens a cabinet near his television to get the alcoholic beverage and two cups. He pours the dark liquid into each glass and by the time he is done pouring his own, you are already asking for a second shot. Nevertheless, unlike the Italian, you are a lightweight as you are bright red and mumbling whatever comes to mind by your ten shot and he just feels a light buzz. He cannot really understand what you are saying, something about your mother and then the talk turns to him. Maybe, your mind is clear of all its demons for a moment, as you look him straight in the eye and whisper something before crashing your lips onto his for the second time.

"I-I l-ike y-ou, Hayato..."

The coherent part of his brain shuts down once he feels your hands on the button of his jeans. Yet, he retains enough of it to ask you multiple times if you are sure that this is something you want to do and you simple reply with an affirmative before planting kisses up and down his neck. After that, it is a blur of sweaty bodies, kisses, and whimpers of his name for the rest of the night in different places throughout his apartment until sleep claims the both of you in the early morning hours. For the first time in a long time, Gokudera seems to be able to sleep without the nightmares of his past coming to haunt, as he places his arm around your waist, unaware of a ringing coming from his living room. No, but by morning, he will know when he wakes up on a cold bed and in a wreaked bedroom. He will look frantically for any trace of you –to make sure if the night before was for real and not just a figment of his imagination– and he does in the kitchen on a small piece of paper with your jumbled writing.

Your girlfriend will be here in the afternoon.

He crumbles the paper. His face red with anger at the memory of a whimper from a sleeping woman asking for him not to leave her.

Age 20.
You are working and studying in Namimori, while he goes off to follow Tsunayoshi to Italy. The two of you never talk about that night, growing ever more distant than before, as you graduate from high school and entered different career paths. You cut off all relations with your mother after that night, even ignoring her invitation to her second wedding. You are fine living with your paternal grandparents until college starts and you move into an apartment with some familiar faces, while working as waitress in a cafe close to your school. Everything is all right and you are happy with the normality of your life. Normal is good and there is nothing that could hurt you. You do not expect anything big to happen that day until an older woman comes into the cafe and asks for something to drink. Her green eyes stare at you and they remind you too much of his, as you bite the inside of your cheek, but she never says anything and you never ask. She just looks at you with a sad smile and speaks one sentence before leaving.

"You could be so happy if you weren't so afraid."

You cannot help but silently agree.

Age 25.
He is tired and in a foul mood when he comes back from one of his missions, but there are many things that still need to be planned for the upcoming wedding. Gokudera Hayato is happy that his boss is getting married, though the bride has been an interesting choice that even he did not know about. He is happy for the couple, even if his own relationships have made him rather jaded towards the idea of romance. The Storm Guardian is about to go to try to get some sleep when Yamamoto goes up to him, saying that Tsuna wishes for all of them to welcome the guests that have arrived from Namimori. He wonders who has come, but an order is an order, so he follows the baseball idiot without much complaint compared to when they were younger. It wasn't like he is going to get much sleep anyways, his nightmares were gradually getting worse as the years passed. He can smell the different pastries from the main room, as the couple is welcoming the incoming guests. Tsuna's arm encircles her waist lovingly as the two guardians enter the room to the greeted by several females. The bride-to-be jumps from her fiancee's embrace as she reintroduces everyone after years of not seeing each other for some. Gokudera feels a lump grow in his throat as a familiar name is called by the black-haired woman, only for his green eyes to clash with the woman's that he had not seen in seven years.

"It's been a while, Gokudera."

time is passing us by.



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